This Week on HGTV: Tractor Talk with Jay Buhner

[Mildly-cool public domain guitar riff]

"Hi, I'm Jay Buhner. And this is my tractor.

I've been plowing fields, diggin' stuff up, and scrapin' dirt for the last 18 years. And I wanna share my tractor tales with you, the HGTV viewing public, or the college kids who are home at your mom's, and don't have the decency to tell her to put something else on. Also, I used to play for the Mariners.

Watch me MEASURE DIRT!

Watch me PLANT GRASS!

Watch me ARGUE WITH SHOP OWNERS ABOUT SEEDS!

Watch me CRADLE MY SON'S HEAD AFTER HE'S DONE SOMETHING I AM PROUD OF.

IT'S OKAY SON

FATHER IS PROUD OF YOU

So be sure to watch Tractor Talk, with ME, Jay Buhner! Sundays at 3 AM on HGTV

...Wait, WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING?

VIEWERS??

SON???"