Saturday, January 5, 2019

And Now, A Word from Jerald Clark and His Bats

"Hi. I'm Jerald Clark.

These are my bats.

I like that black one over there. On the left. It's smooth. Real smooth. One time, I line-drived a man's shin clean open. He needed surgery and everything. I like that one, but...I don't use it often. You know, you wanna keep the knee-splitting one to a special occasion.

This plain one's pretty nice too. Custom wood. Got it from a tree in Denver, 20 minutes from the stadium. Y'see, when you're getting wood to make bats from trees, best to do it in the middle of the night, so they don't see you.

You don't want them to see you.

This is the one I use most often, when they start me. I go ahead and I whack at that thing, man. I try and make like that tree and fall on that pitcher's house.

I mean...uh, yeah.

This bat-holder, that was made custom for me. I got it made especially by, uh...this guy, that...he used to work at an IKEA. And know, he studied how they made those little, um...bat holders. At IKEA. And he studied those, and he made one himself.

...I mean, it kinda LOOKS like this guy stole a bat-holder from IKEA, but no, that...that didn't happen. No.

This one to the far right...that thing is SWEET, man. You what I'm gonna do next year? I'm gonna go to Japan, right? Take only this bat. And just annihilate all the Japanese pitching. With this here bat. This thing is on another level, man. Tougher than American pitchers, tougher than Japanese...tougher than...Scandinavian? I don't know, man, it's a tough-ass bat.

Just you wait. This bat's gonna set Japan on fire.

...And this rack, too. I'm gonna take this bat rack with me. To, uh, to Japan. I'm gonna put it in my suitcase. They're cool with that. Honest. They're real cool with that. That's one of their exports, Japan. Custom made bat racks. That's their industry.

Sometimes I like to look at 'em all. My bats. I like to look at 'em, and I think...'these are MINE. I OWN these. I many hits with this thing. I DID that.'

Sometimes you just have to own stuff like that. I did all this. And if this is all I end up doing, then...then that's enough.

Isn't it?"


  1. Hey Jerald... that bat rack is sweet. I want it for my house. Interested in selling it?

    1. Ja this is IKEA customer service, Jerald deferred all offers about bat rack to us after he lost trial. Bat rack goes for roughly seven hundred american dollars. is good, right?