Sunday, January 6, 2019

Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium


"Hi there, I'm Jose Rijo! You may know me as a World Series Champion, and a Cincinnati Reds legend, as well as a fireballer on the mound. 

But what you may not know about me is that I LOVE sunglasses. They're the coolest. The way I see it, you become a completely different person where you're wearing the right kind of eyewear. It changes the way you see the world.

...so to speak. HEE HEE HEE HEE...

Let me show you some of the different types of eyewear we've got on display here at Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium...

FUNKY WIPE TO:
 GREETINGS, MISTER BOND!

No, don't worry, it's only me. Jose Rijo. But with these glasses, I FEEL like an old-school super villain. I could blow up a building, and these glasses would just...allow me. How weird is that?

Plus, these are kinda purple on the lenses, yet they're still good to wear as sunglasses, because..I mean, what CAN'T they do? Am I right...

hehehehhhhh...okay, next pair-

FUNKIER WIPE TO:

 HAPPY MARDI GRAS, Y'ALL.

...Look at the wings on this thing. Look at the shine, man. That is some premium cool on here, and this can be yours, for...um...okay, I honestly forget the price, but it's definitely cheaper than 20 dollars. I think.

And again, these are great for sunny days, winter days, bar mitzvahs, and just looking cool whenever you want. We've got dozens and dozens of styles of sunglasses, monocles, and general eyewear, that can fit the whole family.

AND DON'T JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT! Listen to these MLB players talk about what Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium has done for them!

CUT TO:
"Yeah. Uh. Jose made a real good deal with me on these sunglasses. Real good deal. I may have given him something else in return, but uh...look, these glasses are great. Look at the, uh, look at the cut on this lens. Look at the way that thing curves. That is cool, right?"

CUT TO:

"Jose? Yeah, he's one cool dude, right? He gave me these for helping him out with, uh...jeez, I forget. But he gave 'em to me for practically nothing. But I could have paid, like, 30 bucks for it. You ever seen shades this yellow? Looking through these...it's like you're seeing the future.

Swear to God, some kid from Chicago goes and steals these shades from me? He's a dead man."

CUT TO:
"Yeah, funny story. I was the one who got Jose into the eyewear business. Me and Quisenberry had a shades business going in KC for a while. He came through in a series with Oakland, wanted to see what we had. And we showed him. And his eyes LIT UP, man. I haven't seen his eyes since, cause he's always got 'em covered with good, good sunglasses. Couple years later, Mets do a series in Cincy, he takes me to his dugout, says "I wanna show you something". And he gives me this pair. Reflectors. Aviators. Scary good price, too. Jose has my respect, man."

DISSOLVE BACK TO:


So come on down to Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium, located in beautiful Cincinnati, Ohio...in the plaza with, uh...the Skyline Chili...and the Little Caesars. Yeah. That one.

Come on down, get some shades, have a good time, or my name isn't...Jose Rijo."

VO: JOSE RIJO'S EYEWEAR EMPORIUM. LOCATED RIGHT NEXT TO JOSE RIJO'S SUPERSOAKER WAREHOUSE]

2 comments:

  1. Change Little Caesars to LaRosas and this is spot-on... maybe add Graeters Ice Cream too 😂

    JT, The Writer's Journey

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. a cone of Graeter's may have been the single best food item i've ever had at a ballpark. i really should have put one in that strip mall.

      Delete