Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Stream of Consciousness- Jacoby Ellisbury

The one downside of frigid months like January and February, where illness is in the air, the roads freeze up, and there's no baseball, is that there's nothing to write about.

A former teacher of mine, one that was well loved by 98% of the students that had him (God knows what happened to the other two, though I assume they may have frozen in ice), introduced my class, as well as me, to Stream of Consciousness writing, where you'd take any word from the dictionary, and able to write freely about it. He took the word 'layoff', and I wrote a page-long musing on where the term may have come from, presumably involving the boss' mistress (and you can see the bad pun all the way from the comfort of your home).

So tonight I thought I'd introduce a nice experiment to keep the writing going, and to stay relevant within the blogosphere. I took one of my binders, skimmed its pages and put my thumb on a card, one I'd be writing about tonight. That card was a 2011 Topps Gypsy Queen Jacoby Ellisbury.

Let us begin:

Ellisbury is an odd name, mainly because I'd never seen it before until Jacoby came along, and haven't seen it since. It's unique, like throwing a toaster out the window every 12th of each month is unique. As well as many other things, such as 'not sane', 'unwise', and 'harmful to whoever's mowing the lawn'. It could have just been Ellis, but that's too simple, isn't it. And that makes about 3% of the audience think about that one guy from that one Monty Python whose name was Ellis, who didn't really exist or something.

I think it may have come about from a gravedigger named Ellis. He was busy doing his work, and suddenly, fell asleep at the exact wrong time. Hence the name Ellisbury.

Jacoby is just as odd as the previously panned surname, though not as uncommon. I can recall a Texans player, some college player, and a world renowned blind orthrodontist with that name.

(I kid of course. I've never heard of a college player with that name)

I feel as though they were just gonna name him Jake, like they were just gonna name him Ellis, but they couldn't finish the job. It's like they were gonna add more than 'Jacoby', like it was gonna be Jacobynth or Jacobyce, or something oddly practical like that, but whoever was making the birth certificate died while naming him, like the carving on the cave in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

(This is the second Monty Python reference the writer has made. He realizes this, and will attempt to make more varied references in an attempt to save the audience from confusion)

And now for something completely different. Jacoby is seen, on this card, holding a bat. This much is absolutely certain. The rest has been shrouded in a not-quite-white, not-quite-yellow, too-intricate-to-be-beige border, cropping the nonexistent Boston fans. I kid, of course. Boston fans do exist, their common sense is what's nonexistent.

Another trait of Jacoby's is his tendency to put those tapey things resembling eyeblack under his eyes. Why he couldn't just slather some eyeblack is beyond me, for it'd be much cooler. Instead, he opted for the stickers, the ones that just come off, aren't very reusable, and are a bit of a waste, the exact thing his ancestors had in mind. It's even more ironic if you have the knowledge that his ancestors are Native American. I'm not bashing the Native Americans, mind you. America's done enough of that.

David Ortiz uses actual eyeblack, I think. Actually, come to think of it, doesn't he use the stickers? Him AND Jacoby both waste stickers. Maybe they should have a sticker party, to just apply them together, throw them out together, attempt to make them stick together. Maybe the rest of the team should join in with the stickers, so that when we ask what's killing the environment, Al Gore can now answer 'The Boston Red Sox'

FIN

(P.S.- Should I do one of these again, or should I obliterate it before it festers and grows? I swear the next one won't be as offensive, though mother always said never to swear.)

(P.S.S.- I really don't want to see the search tag 'blind orthodontists named Jacoby' being tied to this site. Nor should it become a thing. If it does...then, I won't stop it. But until there actually exists a blind orthodontist named Jacoby, the joke will still be funny.)

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