Sunday, October 19, 2014

The Favre Letters

In an interview with NFL Network, former Packers/Jets/Vikings QB Brett Favre, whose record of touchdown passes may be broken today by Peyton Manning, revealed that last season, he was still getting calls from NFL teams that wanted him to play QB for them. Favre, at 44, turned down these offers. However, one might imagine what some of these requests might have looked like had they been in letter form...

Dear Brett,

It's been a few years, but I might as well check in on you. How has retirement been going for you? Still bathing in money?

Nevertheless, I wanted to see about an offer you made back when you were with the team. It was after we'd made it to the NFC Championship against New Orleans, back in 2010. You were on your second or third bottle of champagne, and you were celebrating hard. I'll never forget what you said to me, slumped over one of our middle linebackers. You said, 'Dammit, Rick, I wanna play quarterback 'til I die'.

Well, I wanted to see if that offers still stands. See, we're about to start our first season without Percy Harvin, or anybody with any discernible talent, with the exception of Adrian Peterson. Our two quarterback choices include a rookie who's not reliable, and Matt Cassel.

I want you to be my third option, Brett. Everybody knows you've still got it. Now's your chance to prove it.

Let me know what you think,

Rick Spielman
GM, Minnesota Vikings


Dear Brett,

Mike McCarthy gave me your address. Nice guy, too. Seemed to be intent on bragging about how much my team sucked, and asking if Charles Woodson still had it in him.

Anyway, I know you said you wouldn't come back, and I appreciate that- for someone to be in the league as long as you takes a lot of stamina, will-power, and guts. Unfortunately, ever since Carson Palmer left, we don't have a whole lot of passers who have that. Just nervousness, inexperience, and hatred for me.

I doubt Terrelle Pryor's the answer, and I don't think McGloin can be much better. But I bet you can come off the bench and throw like you did in '95, today. And I want to be the guy that signs you.

The only downside is that, being that it's Oakland, there is a very strong chance that you might end up sucking. But I doubt it'll be anything to worry about.

Think it over, and get back to me.

Reggie McKenzie
GM, Oakland Raiders


Dear Brett,

How the f--k are ya?

It's been too f--kin' long. Seriously. Whenever we hit hard times out here, I always think of you, sitting' in your f--kin' Barca Lounger, thinking 'what's that f--ker up to these days?'

Anyway, my f--kin' GM wanted to send this letter, but I figured, if you wanna do something right, f--kin' do it yourself. So I'd like to personally ask if you'd like to be my Quarterback again this season.

Again, it worked so f--kin' well the last time. We almost made the f--kin' Super Bowl, too. It would have been so much fun, doing all that sh-- with you on my team. Think of the sh-- we can do with you back with us. Besides, I'm f--kin' done with Sanchez. He's a pain in the ass. I might think about dumping him in the f--kin' Delaware River or something. And Geno's not much better.

So, please, Brett. What do you say you come back, and we go eat a goddamn snack?

All the f--kin' best,

Rex F--kin Ryan
Head Coach, New York F--kin Jets


Dear Brett,



Michael Lombardi,
GM, Cleveland Browns

(attached to this letter was a $100 bill)


Dear Brett,



Mike McCarthy
Head Coach, Green Bay Packers.

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