Eliminated Football Roundup: Week 16

 

As the playoff picture is becoming a lot more clear, we've got a lot more entries in this week's roundup of customs for eliminated teams. 

First off, the Vikings celebrated Christmas by being slaughtered by the playoff-bound New Orleans Saints. The Vikes were never a serious threat in the NFC North, despite some strong games from Dalvin Cook making him a league-wide threat, but they were capable of some clutch wins and some great moments. None of which happened in this Saints matchup. The good news is that the Vikings put up 33 points, but Alvin Kamara had the bigger game and waltzed past them for 52. 

The 49ers were one of a few eliminated teams that managed to not only squeak out a win this week but outdo some stacked odds against them. On Amazon Prime on Saturday, the tech-savvy 49ers looked to be a wash for Kyler Murray and the Cardinals, but C.J. Beathard, the Niners' third-string QB, powered the Niners to a win thanks to TWO Kyle Juszczyk touchdowns [man, I'm glad I made one of him last week], and some intriguing defensive work. This is still a flawed team that'll need some work done in the offseason, but they can still upset a potential playoff team, which is nice. 

Similarly, another wild card team, the Miami Dolphins, managed to overcome an early lead by the onetime playoff threats the Las Vegas Raiders and eliminate the black and silvers from the picture themselves. It was a frustrating moment from Carr, Jacobs and the Raiders, a team that had come so close to legitimacy, going toe-to-toe with Kansas City and great teams before coming into some truly bad luck recently. Despite some great work from Nelson Agholor, it was a game of field goals, and a drive with 19 seconds left gave it to Tua and his Dolphins. 

The Bengals at this point have just decided to be a furiously alright bad team. Yes, they're not much without Joe Burrow, but they still have guys like Tyler Boyd and Samaje Perine who can run the opposition out of breath. This week, it was the still-terrible Houston Texans they were up against, and despite the usual good effort from Deshaun Watson and J.J. Watt, the Bengals still outscored Houston, even led by Brandon Allen, the backup. While they may not be good enough to, you know, compete, the Bengals can still win games...just, against equally bad teams, it seems.

In a battle between two losing AFC West teams, it was the one with the all-but-certain Rookie of the Year that reigned supreme. What surprised me the most about this one was that it was a genuine QB battle- Herbert and Lock were both doing pretty damn well, despite the lower score. Though Melvin Gordon still had the best day with 79 rushing yards, Herbert and Austin Ekeler had the bigger day, and the win. Hopefully if the right people stay intact, the Chargers will be able to compete relatively soon, because Herbert is definitely the answer.

Leave it to the Carolina Panthers to keep the NFC East waiting game going for another week. In a fierce battle against the Washington Nonames, Teddy Bridgewater had another strong performance, Robby Anderson had another TD to add to his strong season, and Curtis Samuel had the best stats of the day. The Nonames will need to punch their ticket to the postseason with a win over Philadelphia...

Which should be relatively easy, given that Philadelphia can't seem to want to win anyway. The Eagles could have made a huge statement against the Cowboys this week. The Cowboys were starting ANDY DALTON for crying out loud. This was a golden opportunity. And yet despite Jalen Hurts' continued startership, the Cowboys STILL outscored the Eagles by 20 points and eliminated them from the playoff conversation. It was a game marred by the Eagles' lack of any defensive prowess due to injuries. Not even a much-needed TD from DeSean Jackson could help our case any. It was pitiful, and I'm sad I even wasted time believing they could actually do anything. 

Next week, we decide not only the NFC East champion, but the owner of that all-too-important AFC Wild Card spot. It'll be interesting to see who comes out on top. 

Super Bowl 50: Notes from the Inside

Five Years ago, in Dallas, TX, I witnessed one of the more exciting Super Bowls in recent history firsthand. The Packers took down Pittsburgh, and I was there to see it.

Three Years ago, in East Rutherford New Jersey, I witnessed one of the most boring Super Bowls in recent history firsthand. The Seahawks were winners from the get go, and they spent all four quarters mercilessly hitting the Broncos down. And I was there to see it.

Two days ago...in Santa Clara, California...yep, you're damn right I was there.

As usual, I'll detail my journey from my hotel in Milpitas to the game, and how everything went from the perspective of a lowly blogger in the 200 level.



My companion for this Super Bowl was my friend Evan, who I knew through the age old excuse of "our dads work together". Evan and I began the morning taking a shuttle out to the TLA stop. The TLA, which is a very cool little train system in the San Jose area, was smooth, and dropped us off with more than enough room to get to the stadium. Only problem is we got there a tiny bit before 11:00 AM, which means the gates technically weren't open yet, so we had no choice but to slam ourselves into a throng of determined fans.

Speaking of fans, if you were to measure from just the crowd waiting to go through security alone, you would think that the Broncos to Panthers ratio was pretty even. Where I was, there was an even amount of orange-navy and blue-silver. I, however, not one to join some bandwagon for a single game, took the historian approach- I wore an old Mitchell & Ness 1969 Bart Starr jersey. Like with my Strahan jersey at the '13 Bowl, I was approached with one or two 'you're at the wrong Super Bowl' messages. To which I'd cheekily respond "No, I'm a year early", or "Actually I'm 49 years late".

One guy, working for the stadium, was commenting on people's wardrobe as they went in, be it Broncos or Panthers. Once he got to me, his jubilance turned to confusion very quickly. "Oh, and here's a Broncos fan, go Broncos, oh, and here's the Packers...PACKERS?...I mean..." It cracked me and Evan up.

Once we got past security, we made our way around the stadium to the Tailgate Party (How we got in I'll never tell), which was pretty nice. Seal was the main entertainment, which...baffled all of us. At least he was pretty cool, and still performed well.

The Tailgate Party was a nice diversion, but we finally got to our seats about an hour before start-time, which, as they told us, was 3 PM. Our seats were in the corner of the Broncos' end zone, up a level. Prime position, given the circumstances. We sat, waiting, watching the people enter, watching more and more Broncos fans fill the seats, watching the roars grow louder and louder whenever a Broncos player appeared on the 'tron.

Inside the stadium, they'd momentarily cut to two CBS people, whose sole purpose was to repeat information that was already well-known throughout the game, like what had happened in each quarter, or what to do during the halftime show, which was a point that was already pretty hammered-in. It got to the point where, at their 3rd or 4th appearance, I was already shouting "GO AWAY!"

Speaking of the halftime show, the entire audience would be involved in a huge stunt where two huge-stadium-wide pictures would be shown. There was a video which, step-by-tantalizing-step, detailed the entire process of taking a poster-board card out of the package, holding it up at one point, putting it down, and putting it back up on the other side at the end. It was so dumbed down, with a video of an example audience cheerily taking party, that by the end someone in the audience sarcastically yelled "SHOW IT AGAIN, THAT WAS HYSTERICAL!"

Eventually we got to the National Anthem, which Lady Gaga absolutely rocked, and the unveiling of 50 years of Super Bowl MVPs. Surprisingly, the man whose number I was wearing, Bart Starr, was one of the few not in the building. There were boos at the arrival of Tom Brady, and cheers at Eli's arrival, save for a few people in my section. "What?", one said, "I'm from Philly." "So am I, but even I still think he's okay," I replied.



Eventually the game began, with both fan bases loudly making their cases known. There were several "KEEP! POUNDING!" chants from the audience going, and several chants from Broncos fans as well, more of them probably, because they dominated most of the audience. You could tell, because whenever the Broncos got a point, or the Panthers got a penalty, the audience would erupt in applause. This was a Denver-led crowd, of people that didn't travel as far and stayed together, and thereby helped decide the outcome of the game.

The first bit of the game did have a ton of really fun games. The Broncos sacked Cam Newton, he fumbled the ball, and the Broncos leapt into the end zone to grab the ball and score a touchdown. The Panthers scored their first (and eventually only) touchdown with a gigantic leap over the blockers into the end zone. Newton had a lot of huge throws, and the Denver Defense had a lot of great plays, smacking Cam around whenever they could.

Unlike the 2013 Bowl, one team stayed in control for most of it, but there was still intrigue and question, for most of the game, as to whether or not they'd stay in front. The Broncos started out ahead, but the Panthers came charging, not stopping until the end, and powering through some tough situations.

It was really exciting to watch, because both teams had some nice power plays, some great drives. It wasn't a blowout, it was a fair fight that ended because one guy was on top from the beginning.



I should probably talk about halftime, because I don't know how it came out on TV, but from Levis Stadium it was pretty damn cool. It helps that I'm a big Coldplay fan (I know), and that Chris Martin was more energetic than he's been since Gwyneth broke up with him, but also the big image that we helped create was pretty cool, too.

Once Bruno Mars showed up and did Uptown Funk the audience erupted and sang along in a big way. But then Beyonce popped up, and the day was hers. The tron stopped broadcasting for us when she went on, as if to say "just look at her for yourselves, dammit!" And yeah, even if I'm not a big fan of this Formation number, she was pretty awesome.

The very last part, when Beyonce, Bruno and Coldplay united to sing 'Up and Up' as kids ran around the field and the audience held up a picture reading "Love is Everywhere" or something, gave me chills. I don't care who you are- it was this big, colorful awesome moment that everybody must have eaten up, regardless of whether or not you like Coldplay.



The rest of the game was more of the same. The Broncos held onto the lead, the Panthers tried but fell apart. My section ended up starting a 'Fly Eagles Fly' chant out of desperation. And Cam Newton chose not to go for a fumble that eventually decided the outcome of the game.

Eventually the Broncos were deemed victorious, and Peyton Manning became the first quarterback to take two different teams to a Super Bowl and win. It was nice to see him win one more time, and even if I'd gone in rooting for Carolina, I could respect a Denver win simply for Peyton, and for the fans that had been waiting since the 90's. He hinted that he'd be mulling it over, but I'm pretty sure Peyton Manning's going to retire. He has to. He was already a Hall of Famer before he put on a Broncos uniform.

Evan and I stayed for the trophy ceremony, and we watched as most of the stadium booed Roger Goodell. We realized that we'd just witnessed a pretty awesome Super Bowl, 50 or no. And then we left to catch the TLA.

And that was how my Super Bowl went.

Football Predictions: Week 14

Alright, folks. Here's the deal. I have practically no time to write this post today, as I have fifteen minutes until I have to leave for something generally important. Like, not 'I have to tell the blog' style important, but close. So here's what I'm gonna do. I'm just gonna leave my predictions here, and when I get back from this, I will do a full, funny writeup for each one, regardless of whether or not I'm being proved wrong as I write it.

1 PM Games:

Raiders vs. Jets:
Who should win: Jets, because as of right now, they have the best record. I don't care if they secretly suck, I don't care if Geno Smith is awful. I don't care. If they play well today, it will be because they have been playing well so far this year, and for no other reason than that.
Who will win: Raiders (!) I know I just talked up the Jets, but this is the perfect time for the Raiders, an underdog team, to seize a victory from a questionable easy win. The Raiders, while a bit understaffed, have so much more than the Jets, and they have a lot less holes for people to yell at out in the open. I don't know if they will win, but I want them to.
Overall: Raiders over Jets. Geno Smith sulks into the locker room, only to realize it's the opposing team's.

Colts vs. Bengals:
This is a very tough one.
Who should win: Bengals. I'm saying this because these are two deadlocked teams with the same record. The Bengals came into the season well-hyped, and with their morale being boosted by their weekly appearance on Hard Knocks. I think that if the Bengals win this one, they will have an easy gateway to the playoffs. Besides, the team needs this one.
Who will win: Colts. I just doubt the Colts will let the Bengals take this one. Like, Andrew Luck has been proving himself this season, and he's been telling the whole world that he's a worthy successor to Peyton Manning (or Curtis Painter). Besides, if we wanna talk about underdog teams, the Colts have lost more, and come back from more than the Bengals have.
Overall: Colts over Bengals. Something tells me they'll win big,

Falcons vs. Packers:
Who should win: Falcons. Because even if the Falcons have been absolutely atrocious this season, they are playing a team without the best quarterback in the NFC. In theory, it seems easy. I mean, it could be pretty easy job in shutting down the Packers without Rodgers, and Matt Ryan could definitely redeem himself if he wins today.
Who will win: Packers. This may not actually happen, but I want it to. Even if Rodgers is still out for today, I still think the backup is gonna do something big today. Besides, the Packers still have a lot without Rodgers- Clay Matthews, Eddie Lacy, Randall Cobb, James Jones, etc. I just think that the Packers would totally redeem themselves if they had a great game today. I know they're not gonna clinch, but at least beat the Falcons. Not too hard.
(BTW- Three years ago this was a playoff matchup. Think about that.)
Overall: Packers over Falcons. New QB surprisingly doesn't fall apart.

Browns vs. Patriots
Who should win: Browns. I so badly want the Browns to win this, because the Patriots have won enough.
Who will win: Pats. Evidently Coach Belicheck and I do not share that belief.
Overall: Pats over Browns, likely propelling them into yet another playoff year.

Lions vs. Eagles
Who should win: Lions. The Lions have surprisingly become one of the best teams in football, and it's because of their killer defense, consistent offense, and surprisingly decent quarterback. And today they are going up against the surprise success story of the NFC East, my Philadelphia Eagles. Common sense says that since they're the better team, they are likely to come out on top.
Who will win: Eagles, because Shady don't play that. The Eagles have a chance to win big here, even if it's against a team like the Lions. It is very likely that the Eagles could land on their asses here, but I do not care. The Lions need a loss, the Eagles need a win, and the Eagles want it more.
Overall; Eagles over Lions. I don't care what everyone says. It can happen.

Dolphins vs. Steelers:
Boring Matchup, so I'll skip to the point.
Who should win: Steelers
Who will win: Steelers.
Overall: Steelers over Dolphins. Man, those Fins sunk hard

Bills vs. Buccaneers:
Who should win: Bucs, because they've had quite the surge recently. I'm not saying this means they're a super bowl caliber team, but Mike Glennon had a very, very nice run.
Who will win: Bills. Sadly, said run is over. Now it's Buffalo's time to be good at things, and a semi-back-on-top EJ Manuel is trying to aid this. In all seriousness, neither of these teams are very good, but it's really a battle of who sucks less. And the Bills suck less.
Overall: Bills over Bucs. Manuel > Glennon.

Chiefs vs. Redskins:
Are you trying to be serious?
Who should win: Chiefs
Who will win: Chiefs
Overall: Chiefs over Redskins.

Vikings vs. Ravens:
Who should win: Ravens, because they're the Super Bowl champions, defending.
Who will win: Ravens, because they're playing the Vikings.
Overall: Ravens over Vikings. If they blow this...

4 PM GAMES

Titans vs. Broncos:
Who should win: Broncos
Who will win: Broncos. I mean, come on.
Overall: Broncos over Titans, 3 billion to 7.

Rams vs. Cardinals.
OH SO BORING
Who should win: Rams
Who will win: Cardinals.
Overall: Cards over Rams

Giants vs. Chargers:
Who should win: Giants
Who will win: Chargers. NO NFC EAST LEAD FOR YOU!
Overall: Chargers over Giants,

Seahawks vs. 49ers:
Who should win: Niners
Who will win; Seahawks.
Overall: Hawks over Niners. Because I like them better.

8 PM

Panthers vs. Saints:
Who should win: Panthers
Who will win; Saints.
Overall: Saints over Panthers, because Drew Brees needs this one.

Monday Night:

Cowboys vs. Bears:
Who should win: Cowboys
Who will win: Bears. Because this is Philly's year. Don't let anyone spoil it.
Overall: Bears over Cowboys.

I will update these later so they actually look like predictions, and so they will be worthy of all the hundreds of bot-assisted pageviews they get. And if any of these bots are reading this now...HA! I KNOW YOU EXIST!

Football Predictions: Week 9

Halfway over. The season is officially halfway over. THINK about that for a second.

Only 9 weeks ago, the NFL season was still being used in future tense. People were still talking about the Lions like there was no chance in hell. People were still thinking the Bucs had a shot. Strange times.

Today, once again, I will attempt to boldly predict the outcomes of the upcoming NFL games. Judging by the amount of wrong I would have been had I predicted Thursday night's game, I'm predicting that today will be a doozy.

1 PM GAMES:

Chiefs vs. Bills:
Who should win: Chiefs. At the beginning of the season, I talked about how promising the Bills' season looked under EJ Manuel. I'm beginning to believe I jinxed them. Meanwhile, the Chiefs have been doing an unbelievable job, and they could actually have a shot to win it all down the road. Which is rare for Andy Reid. As for today, they should be able to win here.
Who will win: Chiefs. The Bills have been depleted on all accounts. With a few exceptions, the Chiefs have a lot of the parts that made them great to begin with. Also, they easily outmatch the Bills. This one should be easy.
Overall: Chiefs over Bills, wide margin.

Vikings vs. Cowboys:
Who should win: Cowboys. If someone were to ask you at the beginning of the season who would end up leading the NFC East halfway through, you would have gotten three answers that are not the Dallas Cowboys. Now look at 'em go. You have a Cowboys team that is defying all expectations, and a Viking team that is ruining all expectations. The Cowboys should have this one.
Who will win: Cowboys. The Vikings have gone through 2 or 3 mediocre QBs in the past few weeks, with only the least objectionable being the starter this week. Ponder has a lot riding on his shoulders, as he's dealing with a non-magical AP, a depleted offensive line, and a team that is probably going to beat them. Good luck, buddy.
Overall: Cowboys over Vikings. I know this doesn't help my Eagles at all, but they're still kinda in it.

Titans vs. Rams:
Oh gosh, this is so boring!
Who should win: Rams
Who will win: Titans.
There. Fixed it. Threw in some unpredictability, some uncertainty. That one should be fine.
Overall: Titans over Rams in a squeaker. No pressure, Locker.

Saints vs. Jets:
Who should win: Saints. Boy, those Jets don't follow directions well. When people want them to win, they lose. When people want them to lose, they win. When they want Mark Sanchez to stay healthy, he gets injured in the preseason. It's a very backwards team. Meanwhile, the Saints have been doing pretty well for themselves this season. Like, they're an early favorite to win it all. So today should go their way.
Who will win; Saints. Lemme look at this closely. You have one of the stronger defenses in the NFL against an offense filled with rookies. You have one of the more consistent offenses in the NFL versus Nick Mangold and a couple other guys. It seems kinda predictable out of the gate.
Overall: Saints over Jets.

Chargers vs. Redskins:
Who should win: Ooh, tough one. I will go with Chargers, because they seem promising enough out of the gate, and they seem like they could potentially win this one.
Who will win: Redskins, because I know they loooove defying my expectations. I mean, this also kinda dooms my Eagles, but really, at this point they're just dooming themselves.
Overall: Redskins over Chargers.

Falcons vs. Panthers:
Who should win: Falcons. This is one of the toughest matchups of the week, because, really, either team could win with this. The Falcons are strong enough to walk through, but the Panthers have been surging lately, and they are currently hot. The Falcons should be the projected pick, however...
Who will win: Panthers. Cam Newton's comeback has been a perplexing one, but a promising one nonetheless. I feel like these Panthers are strong enough to take down Matt Ryan, because the Falcons haven't been doing too well this season. At this point, if the Panthers win, I won't be surprised.
Overall: Panthers over Falcons.

4 PM GAMES:

Eagles vs. Raiders:
Who should win: Eagles. Oh my effing gosh is this a matchup. An epic battle of patheticness. Which QB will out-wimp the other? Will Shady out-disappoint McFadden? This is a hell of a game, though I feel like the Eagles have the best shot at winning. Why? Because they always have the best shot at winning. Because every game seems like it's going to be easy, only for the other team to absolutely wreck them. Therefore...
Who will win: Raiders. Yes, I am predicting the mighty Oakland Raiders, whose last consistent quarterback was Rich Gannon (and we all know what happened to him), to upset my beloved Birds. Why? Because sometimes you can just see the disappointment coming a mile away.
Overall: Raiders over Eagles. Chip Kelly's sigh will resemble Andy Reid's.

Buccaneers vs. Seahawks:
Are you freaking kidding me?
Who should win: Seahawks
Who will win; Seahawks.
I mean, come on. Gimme a break, guys!
Overall: Hawks over Bucs. 48,0000 to 3. Although that's assuming a lot for the kicker.

Ravens vs. Browns:
Who should win: Ravens. We are talking about the defending Super Bowl champions against a Cinderella team whose clock struck midnight two weeks ago. Really, this should be no contest.
Who will win; Ravens, but maybe in a closer match than I expect. Both teams have great offenses and defenses, to the point where the game will likely be a low scoring one. However, the Ravens have something the Browns do not, other than consistency and a Super Bowl ring: a steady, reliable Quarterback. Joe Flacco is a boss, and I'm not just saying that because he's local, and because we share a barber (no, really!). When he's on, he's really on. Don't let the ring fool you, he's really that good.
Overall: Ravens over Browns.

Steelers vs. Patriots:
Can I say neither? No? Ah, well in that case...
Who should win: Patriots
Who will win: Patriots, unless something absolutely catastrophic (or awesome) happens.
Overall: Pats over Steelers. No wonder they did this matchup a few days after Halloween.

8: 30 GAME

Colts vs. Texans:
Who should win: Colts. The Colts are a slowly rising team, and tonight they are playing a slowly falling Texans team, who are so desperate that this writer thinks that maybe they should see if David Carr is busy.
Who will win: Colts. Logistically speaking, the Texans also have no shot. I know they have a nice defense, but it would have been nicer had they all stayed healthy. The Colts offense is quick, young, and reliable, even in Reggie Wayne's absence. Tonight should be a fun one for Indianapolis.
Overall: Colts over Texans.

Monday Night:

Da Bears vs. Packers:
I already know George Wendt's opinion, so here's mine:
Who should win: Packers. They are one of the toughest teams in the NFC North right now, which says something, because that division is overstuffed. The Bears are ruthless, but since Cutler's hurt, their star is fading slightly, and the Packers look like they'll crush 'em this week.
Who will win: Packers. Assuming Josh McCown will start for them tomorrow ...BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!
Overall: Packers over Da Bearss.

Well, those are my predictions. Hope some of them are accurate.