Young Frankenstein: The Red Sox Version

(I do this every year. Deal with it.)

January 2013, Manager's office, Boston Red Sox Facility.

(Bobby Valentine is tied to a table for his awful 2012 season. He looks unconscious. Suddenly, Frau Blucher enters, silently, and begins to undo the barriers on the table. Suddenly, Frankenstein, Igor and Inga enter.)

Fronkensteen: Nevermind that, I was just going to...*FRAU BLUCHER!*

(neigh)

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Blucher: I AM GOING TO SET HIM FREE!

Inga: NO...No, you mustn't!

(The three run downstairs.)

Fronkensteen: Are you INSANE? He'll sink the team again!

Blucher: NO HE WON'T! Not this vun. HE IS AS GENTLE AS A LAMB!

Bobby Valentine (abruptly): TRADE DAISUKE TO CLEVELAND!

(All four are startled.)

Fronkensteen: STAND BACK! Stand back, for the love of God, he's an terrible manager. A TERRIBLE MANAGER I TELL YOU! HE'S GONNA TRADE ELLIBSURY FOR A MOUNTAIN GOAT!

VALENTINE: HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!

Igor: ...ixnay on the errible-tay

Blucher: I'm not avvraid! I know vat he likes!

(Frau Blucher begins playing the violin, which calms Valentine before he makes the call to the gm, and he sits back down)

Fronkensteen (putting it all together): That music...

Blucher: YES! It's in his blood! It's in the blood of ALL Boston managers! Man, you should have seen Francona!

Fronkensteen: Then it was you all the time!

Blucher: YES!

Fronkensteen: You got Francona to leave at the end of last year!

Blucher: YES!

Fronkensteen: TO GET US INTO LAST PLACE!

Blucher: YES!

Fronkensteen: That was YOU who left Carl Crawford SMOLDERING in the ASHTRAY!

Blucher: YYYES!

Fronkensteen: And it was you...who left Bobby Valentine's number out for me to find!

Blucher: YEES!

Fronkensteen: SO THAT I WOULD-

Blucher: YES!

Fronkensteen: AND YOU AND BOBBY VALENTINE WERE-

Blucher: YES! YYES! YES! YES! SAY IT! I VAS...HIS AGENT!

(Suddenly Bobby Valentine hits an electrical circuit, and immediately trades for Joel Hanharan. He then yells and begins to bolt out of the room.)

Fronkensteen: Gone! Gone! We've got to find him, you understand? We've got to find him before he trades another crucial piece of the team! What have I done? Oh God in Heaven! What have I done?

Igor (on the phone): Hello? Yes, is John Farrell there?

FIN

And THAT is how the Red Sox won the World Series...I think.

Oh well. Have a happy Halloween, everybody.

World Champions

Well...it happened. The right team won. It's kinda odd that I'm saying that even know the Red Sox won, yet with their arc, their story, and their gameplay, they were the right team to win.

 I was watching the game last night, during those 4th and 5th inning bonanzas that put the game well over the top, and gave Papi the MVP. It was some experience. Let me tell you.

However, and this is the strangest part of all, I'm not bitter. I'm not unhappy. I'm not mad that it wasn't my Yankees. I mean, I am, and I still think the Red Sox are scum and villainy, but there was something about this win that was different. I dunno, maybe it's because they're playing the Cardinals.

Still, I remember the other times the Sox were there, I rooted dead against them. In 2007, I rooted for Colorado. In 2004, I rooted for the Cardinals (!!!!!!!!). It's just this year, when the Sox destroy everybody and win the whole thing, I'm indifferent. I'm not mad. They got a win, they deserved it.

And that's the spooky part. Which is appropriate, because it's Halloween.

Juan Uribe's Recurring Daydream

 

DISCLAIMER: This, folks, is another entry in Nachos Grande's amazing and awesome Blogger Bracket Contest, Round Numero Dos. Which means I'm writing another zany and awesome prompt for a junk wax-ish card. Look at me go.

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Focus.

Juan Uribe repeats the word like it's his mantra. Focus. Just focus. He stares down the ball intently, with the gaze that would rival that of a mighty eagle or Nolan Ryan.

Focus, Uribe. Focus.

The hole is only a few feet away, and Juan Uribe is already buckling under the pressure. They said it was Tiger's Masters. They all said he'd run away with it again. Well, Juan Uribe is snickering at those critics, though still trying his best to hold steady and not break composure.

This isn't the 2010 NLCS, Juan. This is the Masters. Now focus.

He adjust his purple brimmed Colorado Rockies hat, so that it just barely hugs his head. He firms his brow, and takes one last shot at the line between the ball and the hole, sizing it up in his head, where there are no imperfections. Where mistakes are only potential.

Focus.

As the caddy hands him the putter, the crowd at the Masters hits a deafening silence. Juan can nearly hear the whispering commentators, saying something along the lines of "this is Uribe's last shot to win, or else he'll go back to his day job of standing in for Dee Gordon", all the while making the sport even less exciting than it already is for everyone who isn't a retired professional athlete (looking at you, Jaworski).

Juan Uribe sighs one last time as he sizes up the shot.

Focus.

He extends his arm outward ever so slightly, giving the ball a nice enough tap to increase the acceleration, but not to send it to Mexico. The ball begins to roll, ever so slightly, toward the final hole, the climactic one that the commentators made everybody shut up for.

All the while, Juan Uribe winces in anticipation, like how someone would wait for a text back from a girlfriend. Juan Uribe wouldn't know how that feels. His only girlfriend left him for Tiger Woods back in '09.

The seconds seem slower than minutes, which seems highly improbable, unless it's a Salvador Dali painting (2 for 2 on Dali shout-outs). The ball continues to roll toward the hole, the commentators continue to whisper so that everyone watching at home must scooch into the side of the TV, and eventually blow out their eardrums once the crowd comes back in.

The ball stops on the edge of the hole. This is exactly what Juan had been fearing for all his years. He squats in nervousness, as well as in an attempt to hide that he's totally wetting himself right now. He clasps his hands together as if to pray to a God that isn't Tommy Lasorda.

Whatever prayers there were, they are answered: as if by magic, the ball lands, with a miniature 'thump', into the hole, meaning the tie that Uribe had been fearing would happen has been averted.

Before Juan Uribe can fully comprehend the situation that he, a former MLB player, has been crowned the Masters champion, before the caddy can attempt lifting him off his feat and hoisting him throughout the unfortunately non-exercising crowd, and before the trophy can be handed over, Juan Uribe's recurring daydream ends, like it always does, abruptly.

Juan looks around, and realizes he is back at Coors Field, surrounded by his teammates, still on a perpetually mediocre Rockies team. He sighs. Buddy Bell calls him over to start warming up.

As him and Helton get warm, despite the fact that it's already warm out, Uribe still longs for his fantasy. He still hopes for what he knows isn't real.

So, as Helton takes a break to sign autographs, and when Uribe knows no one is looking...

"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. Former Colorado Rockies 3rd baseman...about to become, Masters Champion...IT LOOKS LIKE A MIRAC- IT'S IN THE HOLE! IT'S IN THE HOLE!"

Football Predictions: Week 8

Wudja look at that. I made a really good custom of a player I despise.

Anyway, today marks the near-halfway point of the 2013 season, which is crazy, because it feels like it just started. But, no. We've already seen teams fall, rise, and whatever the hell the Rams are doing now that Bradford's gone. So, this week will be another week ripe with great matchups and awful predictions on my part.

1 PM Games:

Cowboys vs. Lions:
Who should win: Lions. Even though their awesomeness has slipped in the last few weeks, they are still a pretty damn good team, with good materials, something nobody would have thought back in 2008. The Cowboys are slowly surging, and are currently heading up the NFC East, not that that really says anything this year. I see the Lions having a better game, however...
Who will win: Cowboys. You know, somebody really hates me up there. The Cowboys, who have really no materials, a lot of young stars that are untested, and one of the most overrated QBs in the NFL, should not by any means be doing this well this year. I'm not bitter at the collapse of my beloved Eagles. I'm just confused. How are they doing it? Is there some secret sacrifice they made before the season? Did they sacrifice Buddy Ryan and not tell us? Either way, they're probably gonna win today.
Overall: Cowboys over Lions.

Browns vs. Chiefs:
Ooooh this is gonna be a toughie.
Who will and should win: Chiefs. In the battle between two teams that should be absolutely sucking this season, I'm giving it to the 7-0 team. Why? Because I want Andy Reid to shut up all those naysayers back home by winning a Super Bowl without the Eagles. With no offense to the Browns, because they're having a great season, and it would be even more awesome if they kept winning and made an impact in the postseason. The Chiefs have this one, I think.
Overall: Chiefs over Browns.

Dolphins vs. Patriots:
Who should win: Dolphins. Y'Now, in theory, it always seems like the better, and more fun team is gonna win. This week is no exception. The Dolphins are playing really well this season, and it's all thanks to a new direction for Ryan Tannehill, which is great. They should do well today.
Who will win: Patriots. Because the Patriots don't care for theory.
Overall: Pats over Dolphins, with a wide margin.

Bills vs. Saints:
Who should win: Saints. Drew Brees, man. Drew effing Brees. Nobody has defied expectations for this season like the Saints, who took all those 'meh' predictions and threw them in the faces of the reporters. Now they're facing the Bills, who sorta slid down a slope of awfulness after a while. No contest.
Who will win: Saints. The defense is strong, the offense is stronger, the team is tighter, the Bills are Bills. If I'm wrong, then something disasterous has happened.
Overall: Saints over Bills.

Giants vs. Eagles:
Who should win: Eagles. Now I know how absolutely unlikely it is for the Eagles to do exactly what they're told, especially if the opposing team is so damn easy to beat. But...bear with me here. Last time the Eagles went up against a losing team, they won. It was the Bucs. They can do this.
Who will win: Eagles. I'm going with this one because I believe that they have it in them, and I believe that no matter how hard Michael Vick tries to screw this one up, he's going to be unsuccessful. I hope.
Overall: Eagles over Giants, with a way-too close margin.

49ers vs. Jaguars:
Bahaha.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA....AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! YOU KILL ME!
AHAHA...ahaha...oh, man. Welp,
Who should win: 49ers
Who will win: 49ers.
Overall: 49ers steamroll Jags. Harbaugh should be in a good mood in the press conference. I really hope they don't screw this up.

4 PM GAMES:

Jets vs. Bengals:
Who should win: Bengals. Two surprising teams. I'm going with the Bengals here because I like them a lot better this season. Andy Dalton is doing things right, the defense is thriving thanks to James Harrison, and the offense is also very strong. The Jets are getting better, but I think they'll take a backseat.
Who will win: Bengals. Seriously, Rex. Calm the hell down.
Overall: Bengals over Jets

Steelers vs. Raiders:
(flips coin)
Who should win: Raiders.
Who will win: Raiders.
Overall: Raiders over Steelers. Because patheticness will triumph over bottled patheticness.

Redskins vs. Broncos:
Who should win: Broncos. I don't care if Peyton says he's hurt. We're talking about one of the best teams in football, and one of the most stacked teams in football, against the Redskins.
Who will win: Broncos. The Redskins are such a disappointment this year. I feel very sorry for anyone who actually thinks they're going to win today.
Overall: Broncos over Skins.

Falcons vs. Cardinals:
Who should win: Falcons. Hm, battle of the bird teams. My pet cockatiel will love this one. Anyway, I'm giving this one to the better team, in my opinion. Like, they're both pretty good this season, but the Falcons are more of a consistently good team than the Cards.
Who will win: Cardinals, because absolutely nothing in football goes according to plan, this or any season. It's how it goes.
Overall: Cards over Falcons in a squeaker.

8 PM GAME:

Packers vs. Vikings:
Who should win: Packers. The Packers have been doing so well as of late, despite the initial two losses. They're improving as a team, and they're slashing through opponents. This week they're playing the Vikings. Fun times for all.
Who will win: Packers. Backstory time. When I was a kid, I loved the Packers. And every time they'd have to play the Vikings, it would be grueling, and they would lose, and Culpepper would dance around in joy, and I would be pissed. One day I wished for Daunte Culpepper to break his ankle. The Vikings only got back to the postseason once after that, and it was with a former Green Bay Packer at the helm. So the football gods work in mysterious ways, I guess, to paraphrase Bono. Let's see 'em work their magic tonight.
Overall: Packers over Vikings.

MONDAY NIGHT:

Seahawks vs. Rams:
Who should win: Seahawks, because they're obviously the better team.
Who should win: Seahawks, because I fully expect the Rams to just plummet now that Bradford's out.
Overall: Seahawks over Rams.

Well, that's it for today's matchups. Hopefully most of them go according to plan.

Meanwhile in the Postseason...

 These guys are playing as well as the Cardinals usually do in the Postseason.

And these guys are bashing everybody all over the place, because Red Sox never play fair.

Meanwhile, I'm watching Alan Ruck in an awful SyFy movie instead. Ferris Bueller was wrong. THIS is where Cameron goes beserk.

WORLD SERIES!

 

 YAY RED SOX! BEARDS! BOSTON STRONG! BIG PAPI! LJLKASJFKSDJFLJASDJ!

YAY CARDINALS! THEY WON A LOT! DAVID FREESE! WACHA! FGJHJGASHKGHJKF!

In all honesty, there are a billion things I'd rather do than watch a World Series featuring these two. So tonight I will be watching Survivor while the World Series goes on without me. Do I care who wins? Well, it would be nice if the Cardinals didn't win two titles in three years. So I guess I'm rooting for Duck Dynast- I MEAN The Red Sox.

So yeah. The Cardinals are so evil that they're making a lifelong Yankee fan root for Boston. EEEVIL I TELL YOU!

Football Custom of the Night: Luck Edition

Ugh. I hate being wrong.

I mean, you knew that. You hear me blab on and on about being wrong so many times that Jim Davis is calling in and telling me the gag's overused. But, above all that, I hate being so terribly wrong that it's funny. Take my Melky Cabrera post, which basically said he would fail in 2012, when in reality he won MVP of the All Star Game.

On Sunday, I saw in the schedule that the 8 PM game was Broncos-Colts, a game that was being hyped as a 'tough matchup', which I didn't understand, because this was the Colts going up against an undefeated team, Manning or no Manning.

So, in five seconds, I typed up a brief prediction, to the extent of 'everyone's saying this game's gonna be unpredictable, well BRONCOS WIN IN A BLOWOUT, EAT IT BRADSHAW!'

The next morning. "COLTS UPSET BRONCOS; MINT CONDITION BLOGGER WRONG YET AGAIN"

Okay, the headline didn't really say that. But it was close. And you could hear my head slamming against my desk from several countries over. Somewhere in Saskatchewan, the people could hear my frustration*. Whether they wanted to or not.

However, looking back on it now, what happened to the Broncos this weekend was not pure luck.

(NOTICE: No pun intended)

(NOTICE #2: The last statement was totally a lie)

I think that the Colts are definitely on the rise, and that Andrew Luck is becoming what everybody said he was going to be at the draft. Last season, admittedly, was something of a letdown for Colts fans, yet I think he could lead them back to the playoffs this year. I don't know if it will happen, but it would be wonderful if it did.

It appears that a lot of people are rooting for the success of Andrew Luck and the Colts.

However, the word is still out on the people of Saskatchewan.

(*- I really need to use this sentence for something someday. I haven't figured out what yet. )

Coming Tomorrow- Probably a well-known offensive player for Carolina that isn't Cam Newton.

What Really Pisses off Carlos Lee

DISCLAIMER: If you wanna know what this madness you'll be reading in this post is all about, you should check out Nachos Grande and see the details on his bracket contest I'll be participating in for the next few weeks. It's gonna be huge. This is just the prelim round, by the way. It'll get way sillier as it goes on. That's a promise.

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This is Carlos.

For whatever reason, Carlos is not happy today.

Just look at that peeved expression. Look at that unenthusiastic stance. Look at that Astros logo. You can tell without evidence that Carlos just isn't into things today.

You can hardly blame him. Carlos is going through the absolute worst day of his life today, as depicted by this stunning display of $1 cardboard from Topps. It can be argued that he's having an awful day BECAUSE he's on a Topps Attax card, but I beg to differ; children of 2011 got to all wonder in unison who the heck Carlos Lee was, before pulling cards of Jeter, Ortiz and Halladay in the same pack as him and showing them all to dad. Carlos Lee could secretly live for that kind of recognition, therefore we're just going to assume that he does.

Here now, in bulleted form, because that is how I roll--unless I'm in a wheelbarrow or at a Stones concert, in which case, that would be how I roll-- are some other reasons why Carlos is having the worst day of his life. And yes, today is worse for him than the day he was traded to the Marlins.

• Right there on the card it says he is in the same company as Alex Rodriguez. Alex Rodriguez took steroids. Now all of these people reading the card associate Carlos with steroids, which he denies ever taking. For the only time in his life, he knows how OJ feels. The jury is still out on how.
• There appears to be a horizontal flame going through Carlos' torso. This does not fit Carlos very well, as he requires his torso to play baseball. Someone who is rich in the art of puns would call what is depicted on the card a rare form of heartburn. Someone standing next to someone who is rich in the art of puns would slap that person for such an awful joke.
• Carlos has gone through an entire at-bat without realizing that someone has sawed his bat in half. This explains the 0-2 count, he reassures himself, all the while knowing that he is Carlos Lee, who struck out a million times on a consistent basis, before Mark Reynolds made it a classy move.
• He's playing under a red sky. Either he is on Mars or he's posing for the cover of a U2 album. Either way, this maddens him deeply, as he dislikes both interplanetary travel and 80's rock bands that go soft over time.
• He doesn't know what the numbers floating below his belt mean, nor why they are floating below his belt, yet he is pissed off nonetheless, as they're scaring him.
• Carlos is saddened yet again when he realizes the floating colored balls below his belt are not, as he initially was led to believe, skittles. Carlos is mad that he cannot taste the rainbow, not now, not ever. 
• The 45 on his uniform seems to be sliding downward. Carlos is led to believe he is in a Salvador Dali painting. Carlos despises Salvador Dali paintings.
• Carlos does not understand how doubles can magically transform into singles, as is directed on the card. This is bad for him, because nobody else in his team hits anything above a single.
• It's halfway through the season and Carlos just realized that he's still on the Astros.
• Carlos is batting against Aroldis Chapman in the bottom of the ninth, and he knows he has absolutely no shot. Then again, no mere mortal has a shot against Chapman in the bottom of the ninth.

So there. All of these inexplicably dreadful things are acting on Carlos Lee today, making it an absolutely awful day for him. The good news is that 2011 Carlos is not too far away from a day where he can retire, and be as far away from the Astros and Marlins as humanly possible.

Likewise, he's also close to a day where he'll never have to bat against Aroldis Chapman ever again, at which point, it will be a very, very good day indeed for Carlos Lee.

Especially if that day involves Skittles.

Football Predictions: Week 7

I know Te'o might be a weak choice for a Predictions headliner, but my other choices were an injured DaMarco Murray, and a bye-weeked Charles Woodson. I'm sticking with Te'o.

This week is another exciting week for football, as the matchups are tougher, and the lines are beginning to form. As always, let's see how wrong I am in trying to predict them.

Buccaneers vs. Falcons:
Who should win: Falcons. I know they haven't really had the best record so far, but there is still hope in that roster. Matt Ryan is a great quarterback who deserves better. Tony Gonzalez is still playing well. The team is just weak this year, but I think the Bucs are a team they can beat.
Who will win: Falcons again. Last time the Bucs went up against a middling team, that team was the Eagles, and they beat the snot out of them. The Bucs are getting lower every week, without the help of Josh Freeman, and without that much roster unity. The Falcons are probably going to beat them here.
Overall: Falcons over Bucs.

Bengals vs. Lions:
Who should win: Bengals. I'm astonished as to how well the Bengals are playing this year. I mean, last year they were okay, but this year they are killing everybody. They went up against the Packers a few weeks ago and completely obliterated them. Andy Dalton is on top of his game right now, so that might account for things. I realize that they're playing the Lions, but the Bengals, looking forward, are the better team.
Who will win: Bengals. This game will probably be close, as we're talking about two teams that have been really good in 2013. However, I'm giving it to the Bengals solely because the Lions seem like they've been slowing down in the last few weeks. But it could go either way.
Overall: Bengals over Lions, in a very close margin.

Bills vs. Dolphins:
Who should win: Dolphins. These are two teams that were middling last year. One has definitely stepped up, that team being the Dolphins. The other started strong, and are basically sliding back downhill without EJ Manuel. I think the Dolphins look like the better team here, and Tannehill is improving on his 'eh, we'll take it' rookie year.
Who will win: Dolphins. The Dolphins' offense has really surprised people, and I think they're stronger than the Buffalo defense. Also, the Dolphins seem like a tight team this year, while the Bills are getting farther apart every week.
Overall: Dolphins over Bills.

Patriots vs. Jets:
Who should win: Patriots. We're talking about the biggest, baddest NFL team out there. Like, the Arnold Schwarzenegger of football teams. And they're going up against the Jets.
Who will win: Patriots. I should give the Jets more credit than that. Under different leadership this year they've become a better team, and they're finally winning games again. The only downside is that they're playing the Patriots, who are impossible to beat, unless you're the Saints.
Overall: Pats over Jets, a high scoring match.

Cowboys vs. Eagles:
Who should win: Cowboys. This is one of the most heated NFL rivalries, because we have two fanbases full of hot air fighting each other. These two teams aren't necessarily amazing this year, but they've been doing better in the last few weeks. By far glance, the one with the better record currently will take it.
Who will win: Eagles. DeMarcus Ware and DaMarco Murray, two of the strongest assets on the Cowboys, are not playing today. Nick Foles, on the other hand, is playing today, along with LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson, and a bunch of people who would like to beat a team when they're down.
Overall: Eagles over Cowboys, by a wide margin. The game will end with a shot of Jerry Jones weeping on the Jumbotron, yet still trying to sell his tears as the greatest tears in the world.

Bears vs. Redskins:
Who should win: Bears. One of the many catalysts of a tough NFC North, the Bears have been absolutely killing it so far, thanks to an impressive year by Jay Cutler. Now, they're going up against a team who they know is weaker than them, and they know will be a stronger force in the 2nd half. It should be easy.
Who will win: Bears. The Bears have a stacked offense, which should be called unfair. They have some amazing threats in their offense, including Brandon Marshall and Matt Forte. They also have a strong defense. The Redskins have some good players, and a QB who isn't as strong as last year.
Overall: Bears over Skins.

Rams vs. Panthers:
Who should win: Rams. It's basically a battle of 'who is doing better right now', and the Rams win that.
Who will win: Panthers. It's basically a battle of 'who is the exact opposite of who I think will win', and the Panthers win that.
Overall: Panthers over Rams, by a close margin. Or not. I dunno.

Chargers vs. Jaguars:
Who should win: Chargers. This is a battle between a team that has defied expectations, defeated teams that were hard to beat, and actually added truth to the rumor that they're winning the whole thing because they played the Eagles in their home opener, and the Jaguars. No contest.
Who will win: Chargers again. The Jaguars have absolutely nothing, except for Maurice Jones-Drew, and he's not playing like he always does.
Overall: Chargers over Jags. Then Manti will start dating some of the Jacksonville fans, which is weird, because nobody comes to games.

4 PM Games

49ers vs. Titans:
Who should win: 49ers. I know they're not playing like they did last year, but they're still winning games. Colin Kaepernick is still playing at least partially well, and the team is basically a lot of the same elements that gave them the NFC last year. Also, even if the Titans have Jake Locker back, they're still playing a team that is miles ahead of them in ability and performance.
Who will win: Niners again. That defense should probably stop any and all decent runs by rookies.
Overall: Niners over Titans, wide margin.

Browns vs. Packers:
Who should win: Packers. Because it's midnight for the Browns, and they're just about to turn back into their normal selves. Also, they're playing the Packers.
Who will win: Packers. Even if they were playing like they did the last few weeks, they'd still be up against one of the toughest teams in the NFL. Weeden or no Weeden, that's tough to beat.
Overall: Packers over Browns.

Texans vs. Chiefs:
Who should win: Texans, because I have one shred of belief that they could actually have a decent year this year.
Who will win: Chiefs, because Andy Reid crushes dreams.
Overall: Chiefs over Texans.

Ravens vs. Steelers:
Who should win; Ravens. This isn't too hard. The Ravens, despite losing a few games, have miraculously returned to form, and are back to being a powerhouse. The Steelers were in the Super Bowl three years ago, and everything's beginning to slide back downhill for them, as all the integral parts of their offense and defense that made them great are all gone, with the exception of Big Ben and Polamalu.
Who will win: Ravens. That defense isn't going to let Antonio Brown get the ball, even if that's all Roethlisberger throws to.
Overall: Ravens over Steelers.

8 PM GAME:

Broncos vs. Colts:
First of all, all the newscasters and sports people are gonna be talking about how this is the matchup of the season, Manning coming back home, and how it's gonna be so unpredictable in every way. WELL..
Who should win: Broncos.
Who will win: Broncos.
Suck on that, sportscasters.
Overall: Broncos over Colts. You know, because sportscasters really hate common sense. And I bet Bradshaw's still gonna predict the Colts to win, because he's an idiot.

Monday Night:

Vikings vs. Giants:
Who should win: Giants. In the battle of the inexplicably horrible teams, it seems rational to pick the team that hasn't won a game to win over the team that just lost some of its core performers to injuries. Therefore, as controversial as it is, I'm gonna do that...
Who will win: Vikings. Yeah, I'm gonna do that when the Giants play the Cowboys again.
Overall: Vikings over Giants.

So yeah, those are my predictions. Hope I'm right on some of them.

Local Card Show: The end of an era

Today, I went to the same card show I had been going to since the blog's inception, up in Moorestown, NJ. There I could always find an ample supply of 10-cent bins, well-priced stuff, and nice dealers. However, today, as I heard from several dealers, was the beginning of the last weekend show for that location. There was some definite melancholy tones in the air, and some already spoke of moving to new locations. However, I still managed to find a nice amount of cards, including some Topps Update.

Topps Update Series (I got a bunch from several dealers:
Francisco Liriano, Trevor Bauer, Cano AS, Cano HRD, Kevin Youkilis, Carlos Beltran AS, Pedro Alvarez AS, Edwin Encarnacion AS, McCutchen AS, Shin-Soo Choo, Chris Davis HRD, Jason Giambi, Adam Jones AS, Vance Worley, Roy Oswalt, Michael Pineda, Michael Young, Clayton Kershaw AS, Michael Morse, Justin Upton, Travis Hafner, AJ Pierzynski, Miguel Tejada, Russell Martin, Alfonso Soriano, Paul Goldschmidt AS, Jose Iglesias, Jake Peavy, Brian Wilson, Vernon Wells, Mariano Rivera CL, Scott Van Slyke RC, Kyuji Fujikawa RC, Yu Darvish AS, Buster Posey AS, Dan Haren, Carlos Beltran HRD, Yadier Molina AS, Zoilo Almonte RC, Matt Garza, Ricky Nolasco, Ortiz CL, Patrick Corbin AS, Dice-K, Cuddyer HRD, Sale AS, Cuddyer AS, AJ Pollack, Cespedes CL, Justin Masterson AS, Mark Reynolds, Adam Wainwright AS, Carlos Gomez AS, Rafael Soriano

2013 Topps Football:
Marshawn Lynch, Darren McFadden, Anquan Boldin, Andy Dalton, Darrelle Revis, Jay Cutler
Greg Jennings, Steve Smith, Ed Reed, Brandon Marshall, Troy Polamalu, JJ Watt, Clay Matthews, Jordy Nelson, Frank Gore, Matt Stafford, AJ Hawk, Cortland Finnegan, Carson Palmer, Alex Smith, Patrick Willis, Reggie Bush, Percy Harvin, Matt Schaub, Larry Fitzgerald, Ronde Barber, Haloti Ngata, Brian Orakpo, Reggie Wayne, BJ Raji, Ndamukong Suh, Drew Brees, Aaron Hernandez, Peyton Manning.

2013 Topps Archives Baseball:
Will Middlebrooks, Ian Desmond, Chris Sale, Mike Moustakas, Brian McCann, Gio Gonzalez, Jordan Zimmermann, Paul Goldschmidt

2009 Upper Deck Baseball ( one guy had a lot of these):
Adrian Gonzalez, Matt Kemp, Juan Pierre, Billy Wagner, Jason Giambi, Johnny Damon, Chien-Ming Wang, Bronson Arroyo, Curtis Granderson, Michael Bourn, Miguel Tejada, Adam Dunn, Brian Roberts, Tim Wakefield.

2001 Topps Archives: Robin Yount, Johnny Podres, Gaylord Perry, Ron Cey
2002 Topps Archives: Allie Reynolds, Larry Doby, Johnny Podres, Phil Niekro, Bruce Sutter, Gaylord Perry, Hoyt Wilhelm
2013 Topps 72 minis: Matt Williams, Craig Kimbrel, Jose Bautista
2005 Donruss Team Heroes: Jason Bay, Carl Crawford, Alex Rios, Adrian Beltre
2012 Topps Update Edward Mujica
2007 SP Authentic Chipper Jones
2010 Topps Peak Performance Curtis Granderson
2007 Topps Own the Game David Ortiz
2012 Gypsy Queen Sliding Stars Curtis Granderson

Overall, nice show, and it's sad that it's the last one for this location. I will miss it.

Football Custom of the Day: Fitzgerald Edition

You'd think that 'Carson Palmer today leading a group of mostly unknowns plus Larry Fitzgerald' would be an underwhelming team, but they've actually won some games this year, which is kinda shocking.

I know! Carson Palmer's still on an NFL roster! Zounds!

Look, nobody's acting like the Cardinals are going to outrun the other guys (boy, wouldn't this be ironic in February 2014 if these guys actually win it?), but at this point, it's kinda nice to see that they're winning games. Their last year's QBs were disposed of, as you can see: Kevin Kolb is rummaging around in Buffalo. John Skelton is probably dead. I forget what happened to him.

Larry Fitzgerald is still the star of the team, as he has been for the past ten seasons. I think there should be a law in Arizona that there should be nobody on that roster that's a bigger star than Larry Fitzgerald. Like, if they sign somebody huge, just...just cut them or something. Or cut Larry. Either or.

Man, I should have really made a coherent post. But nope.

Coming Tomorrow (?)- A former Packer paying for his betrayal by spending his season with an awful Vikings team.

Revenge of the Underdogs

 

 In a flurry of bats and shut-down-offenses, Zack Greinke and the Dodgers shut down the Cardinals to stay alive. I really hope that they hang on for game six. These guys are too fun NOT to be in the World Series.

Meanwhile, in far more indifferent territory, the Tigers got a win last night, themselves staying alive and defying the odds. I still think the Sox are the better team here, but I wouldn't mind the Tigers going as well.

Well, great

Just what I needed, another St. Louis win. Seriously, it will not be fun if I have to sit through another Cardinals-Red Sox series. More and more I'm feeling like that's going to happen. A season that began so optimistically will end with my two least favorite teams in the World Series.

It's like 2004 all over again. Only without the incredible Yankees roster. And without Jason Giambi.

But yeah. Dodgers need to cut it out and start playing real baseball again. Pretty please.

Just when I thought all hope was lost...

Good ol' Yasiel comes in the clutch.

I mean, you could also credit this to Hyunjin Ryu, but it's Puig's year, and he's having a really nice postseason so far. Besides, anything that takes a win away from the Cardinals is a good thing.

Hope they keep it up. This is some good drama right here.

You just can't write this stuff

The last three postseason games played by the Tigers have began with some form of a no-hitter, likely spoiled by the bullpen. Of course, tonight was the only night of the three to be broken up by David Effing Ortiz.

Part of me is actually rooting for the Red Sox in all of this, due to fear of a Cardinals-Tigers series. Also, if the Cardinals do end up beating the Dodgers, which I hope to whoever's listening doesn't happen, then I'll probably just root for the Red Sox, because they have a better story than the Cardinals.

On the bright side for everyone else, imagine if this ended up being a Cardinals-Yankees series? Who would watch?

Football Predictions: Week 6

Last week was another awful week for my predictions, as I made sure that a lot of surefire predictions would go according to plan, and they didn't. This week, I hopefully have learned from my mistakes, and I really hope I do better here.

1 PM GAMES:

Bengals vs. Bills:
Who should win: Bengals. The Bengals have been off to a great start this season, which is normally the opposite effect of appearing on Hard Knocks. Still, whatever they've been implementing is totally working, and Andy Dalton is currently on a rampage. They should win here.
Who will win: Bengals. The Bills started off strong, but are now imploding due to the loss of a potentially great QB in an injured EJ Manuel. Also, the team was never that amazing to begin with. The Bengals have improved offensively and defensively, and AJ Green will probably outrun most of Buffalo's defenders. Unless something awful happens, the Bengals should win here.
Overall: Bengals over Bills, low scoring.

Lions vs. Browns
Who should win: Browns. There's a lot of talk about logic, about common sense. I'd like to submit that the Browns' sudden rise is one of the weirdest things ever to happen in football. They have a mediocre quarterback, a star-less team, and they just got rid of their star player. And now they're tearing down the roads. This is absolutely amazing for football.
Who will win: Lions, sadly. In a battle of two surging teams, I say that the stronger of the two will come out on top, and I know that's assuming a lot since Reggie Bush wasn't too hot last week. Still, I think that the Lions are a lot tougher to beat, and if the Browns do it, hurrah for them, but it will be very, very tough.
Overall: Lions over Browns, though it could be incredibly close.

Raiders vs. Chiefs:
Who should win: Raiders. I like how they've been playing so far, and I like that they actually have a chance in their lopsided division. Terrelle Pryor is doing well, the team is slowly coming around, and they've racked up a few nice wins.
Who will win: Chiefs. I say this sadly, because my dad is a Raider fan. The Chiefs have become one of the best teams of the season so far, and they are going up against a good, but not amazing team. Honestly, while it could go either way, my gut is telling me that the Chiefs will win. This could be my downfall, because that is exactly how everyone will think the game will go, but I'm going with it.
Overall: Chiefs over Raiders.

Panthers vs. Vikings:
Who should win: Vikings, because they're so much better than the Panthers, in terms of receivers, in terms of defense, in terms of AP, and in terms of the fact that they're not the Panthers.
Who will win: Vikings, because this is a dull matchup and I want to get it over with.
Overall: Vikings over Panthers.

Steelers vs. Jets:
Who should win: Jets. And this isn't Bizarro world. The Jets have actually become a fairly decent football team in the last few weeks, and they've won a few important matchups, which is rare for a team this awful. I'm thinking that, against a team like the Steelers, who are weaker than weak this year, they should win again
Who will win: Jets again. The Steelers really have nothing this year, other than Ben Roethlisberger, who is near the end of his rope, I think. The Jets have a lot more than them, and are more of a favorite to win.
Overall: Jets over Steelers.

Eagles vs. Buccaneers:
Who should win: Eagles.
Who will win: Eagles. This is possibly one of the easiest matchups they will have. All they have to do is beat an imploding team while they're down. Yet I imagine this may turn up as irony. I hope not.
Overall: Eagles over Bucs, in a wide margin.

Packers vs. Ravens:
Who should win: Packers, of course. I think that, even if they haven't been playing well, they're still surging, and they are finally getting back to what they should have been doing all along. This year is a very tough matchup, as the Ravens are also getting very hot right now. Yet, I think that the Ravens should have a hand in it to win.
Who will win: Packers, and I know this may be controversial. The Packers, to me, are the better team, and they have much more to them. The Ravens gave up a lot of their good stuff last year.
Overall: Packers over Ravens.

Rams vs. Texans:
Who should win: Texans, because they're the Texans.
Who will win: Texans, because they're playing the Rams.
Overall: Texans over Rams.

Since I'm running out of time, I'll just do a speed round for the rest of the matchups:

Jaguars vs. Broncos: Hah, that's a good one. Broncos win in a landslide.
Titans vs. Seahawks: Could be a tough matchup, but Seahawks should come out on top.
Cardinals vs. 49ers: Could be a long one, but Niners are Niners. 49ers win it.
Saints vs. Patriots: I'm going for the controversial pick: Saints win, Brady collapses.
Redskins vs. Cowboys: As much as I don't want them to, the Cowboys will win.
Monday Night:
Colts vs. Chargers: Will be close, but I'll say Chargers.

Sorry that was so rushed at the end, but I was in a hurry. Hope these end up right.

Argh

This would have been so fun if it all had gone according to plan. An A's-Red Sox ALCS would have been so fun to watch, even if the Sox would have probably won anyway.

But nope. You had to ruin it.

Nothing against the Tigers, I just loved the story of the A's. A Tigers-Sox series is so...predictable. And I hate predictability.

Still shooting for a Dodgers-Red Sox series. If Mike Matheny screws that up for me, I will have lost total respect for him.

Football Custom of the Night: Tannehill Edition

Nobody saw this one coming I bet.

I mean, people predicted the Dolphins would do better than last year, but they didn't predict they'd actually have a nice start, even AFTER getting rid of Reggie Bush. They've started with a decent 3-2 record, second in the AFC East behind, you know, Tom Brady's Band of People Who Win Things. This year they have the same record as the Jets, which, unlike most years, isn't an insult.

I think most people attribute this to the rise of Ryan Tannehill. Last year we saw him as a take-him or leave-him QB, only unlike the other take him or leave him rookie QB last year (Andrew Luck), he lacked a playoff run and an ailing coach. This year he's finally doing well, stepping up and really winning games now, which I don't think Andrew Luck can say this year.

I hope they at least keep winning games, because this may be the closest they get in the standings to the Patriots. But you never know.

Coming Tomorrow- Probably a well known non-QB offensive player for a middling team.

Indifference on a Boston Victory

That's right. The Red Sox just advanced in the playoffs, and I'm not screaming at the television, or cursing my luck, or even acting remotely pissed about it. Why? Because they actually managed to put together a good team this year, rather than just defy everyone's expectations like they usually do. They got a roster of sheer power, and actually went and ran with it, and it's paying off.

Also, it's because they were playing the Rays, but either way.

Meanwhile, these guys managed to stay in the race, securing game 4, and allowing for two very close matches tomorrow night. As much as I love the Tigers, it would be so much more fun to see the A's win. Still, I'd be content if the Tigers made it.

Football Custom of the Day: Jackson Edition

I had legitimate fears going into the Eagles game. Why? Because even if the Eagles were playing the Giants, the worst team in the NFC East, I was still worried that the Eagles would act like the Eagles usually do in a can't-miss situation: squander and fail.

Yet, thankfully, they did a nice job, and managed to batter down the Giants, which sort of soothed things. I mean, they're still 2-3, but the rest of the division's not doing much better, and they're currently tied with the Cowboys for first.

I feel like this division has no suspense. Each year there's a few middling teams, and somebody comes out on top. This year is no different. Over in the North, all four are potentially good, and all four have a chance to do well, most years. There's more suspense over there, which is why the East is so infuriating, there's no real competition, except for last.

Though still, I'm happy my Eagles won it, and I hope they continue to do well.

Coming Tomorrow- I haven't decided yet.

Somebody Clinched

I'm personally very happy that the Dodgers clinched. They had a very nice season, and definitely deserved the terrific run they had in this series. I wish I could post a Juan Uribe custom, but I, and likely a lot of Dodgers fans, forgot he was on the team.

Still, the other three matchups fared slightly similarly-ish:

These guys are up 2-1 against one of the toughest teams in the AL. I really hope they pull through, as they're a lot of fun to watch.

Ugh. WHY DO THESE GUYS KEEP WINNING GAMES??? STOP TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS! THE PIRATES ARE AWESOME! JUST LET THEM WIN ALREADY!

These guys surprisingly hung on, and got their first win of the series? Will it be enough? If you have trouble answering that question, please remember, the Red Sox are probably going to win the entire thing. So no. Not really.

 



Football Predictions: Week 5

Another week, another set of predictions. Only last week, I did an awful job, making a lot of rash decisions that made me look very bad after the fact. I looked just as bad as JJ up there. But still, since I live to serve, I might as well fortell another week of NFL matchups.

1 PM Games:

Saints vs. Bears:
Who should win: Saints. These two teams have been absolutely surging this year, and both have been performing very well, even in losses. However, in initial scrutiny, it looks as if the Saints are the better team, as they currently have the better record, and Drew Brees is on fire this year. However...
Who will win: Bears. I know, I just spoke volumes about the Saints, yet I have a feeling the Bears are going to come out on top. I have no idea how, I just have a gut feeling that something's gonna happen tomorrow that's gonna put the Bears out in front. Besides, I would usually put the Saints and be wrong. But it's a very close looking matchup.
Overall: Bears over Saints, by a very close margin.

Patriots vs. Bengals:
Who should win: Bengals. I love what the team is doing this year, and I think they're performing better than they did last season. I think Dalton is slowly becoming a great quarterback, and the offense is red-hot. They've had a lot of really nice wins lately against good teams, which means they could do well here.
Who will win: Patriots. For some reason, even if they have a depleted squad, the Patriots are steamrolling the competition this season. They could very well have another breakthrough season, that'll likely end them up in the playoffs. Today will be another victory, unless something awesome goes on.
Overall: Patriots over Bengals, somehow.

Lions vs. Packers:
Who should win: Packers. For some reason, the Packers have gotten off to a lousy start, and that's because the qualities that made this team great in 2010 have all left. This week would be the perfect week for them to redeem themselves, and finally get a nice division win here.
Who will win: ...though, that's probably not going to happen. Lions. The Lions have been killing it this season, as evidenced by last week's win over da Bears. I think that they'll have another decent showing tomorrow, and probably end up on top.
Overall: Lions over Packers.

Chiefs vs. Titans:
Who should win: Chiefs. For some reason, Andy Reid's Chiefs have been killing it this season. Currently they're 0-4, and again, they're up against another middle-of-the-pack team. The Titans have won some games, but they're in no way spectacular. The Chiefs should have no problem here.
Who will win: Chiefs again. The way the Chiefs have been playing is smart, and their offense is a little more stacked than the new, rebuilding Tennessee offense. Plus, and I feel like I say this every week, the Titans are generally depleted, relying on rookies and untrusted talent. The Chiefs have rebuilt themselves to a point where that's no longer an issue.
Overall: Chiefs over Titans, by a large margin.

Seahawks vs. Colts:
Who should win: Seahawks. There's a reason why everybody predicted the Seahawks to win the whole thing: they have one of the strongest offenses in football right now, and one of the most reliable defenses. They really have everything together, and while they showed a few cracks last week with the Texans, this week they have a less formidable opponent, yet still pretty good. Initially, when you're balancing the two just on the outside, the Seahawks come out on top.
Who will win: Seahawks. The Colts are a great team, but they're being outmatched this year because as great as they are, they're not at a point where they can just run away with every game. They've lost a few games. Their quarterback is not Superman yet. The Seahawks could definitely take advantage of all this today, and I think they will.
Overall: Seahawks over Colts, though it'll be relatively close.

Jaguars vs. Rams:
Who should win: Rams. In a battle of the two teams that were atrocious last year, I'm guessing the one that's been less atrocious in the past few weeks will come out victorious. For whatever reason, Sam Bradford really got his stuff together this season, destroying the woes of 2011 and 2012, and finally getting to the stuff that the Rams wanted when they picked him first overall. Despite their 1-3 record, they should have no trouble with the awful Jags.
Who will win: Rams again. Simple math, people. These are the 2013 Rams going up against the 2013 Jaguars. One sorta outweighs the other.
Overall: Rams over Jags, though it will be a low scoring game.

Ravens vs. Dolphins:
Who should win: Ravens. The records don't show it, but the Ravens are the better team. They're a more tested, and durable team, and they rely on a lot of the stuff that got them to the Super Bowl last year. The Ravens should have it.
Who will win: Surprisingly, the Dolphins. Both teams are really good this year, but the Dolphins are inclining at the exact second that the Ravens are declining. The Dolphins are winning games because they're finally younger and quicker than a lot of the competition, and Tannehill's finally breaking out. This may be a very, very controversial pick, but I'm going with my gut and saying the Dolphins.
Overall: Dolphins over Ravens, by a slim margin.

Eagles vs. Giants:
Who should win: Eagles. You know, this is probably my biggest land mine this week. I have a situation that seems so goddamn predictable, that seems like it'll go 100% according to plan, yet I have the knowledge of how fickle the Eagles are in going according to plan. In all honesty, the Giants are god-awful this year, while the Eagles are slightly less god-awful, yet we are still dealing with the Giants and the Eagles, and the Giants are generally good at beating the Eagles. You can see now why this is so tough. Still, I have to say that going in, the Eagles look good.
Who will win: Screw it, Eagles again. They have a better offense, or whatever. They've won a game. They have a more with-it head coach. They really SHOULD be able to win this game, and everyone is predicting that they're GOING to, but keep in mind, THESE ARE THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! I'm not 100% sure that they're going to win, as much as I want them to. But still, I'm predicting they will.
Overall: Eagles over Giants. I hope.

4PM GAMES

Panthers vs. Cardinals:
Who should win: Cardinals.
Who will win: Cardinals. I have nothing funny to say here. Boring matchup.
Overall: Cardinals over Panthers.

Broncos vs. Cowboys:
Who should win: Broncos. In the battle of teams that were amazing in the 1990's, the one that's amazing in 2013 will demolish the other. There isn't that much to this one. Peyton Manning is excellent this season, possibly better than he was in 2012. Curtis Painter must feel really bad about himself now.
Who will win: Broncos. As fickle as they are this year, I know for a fact that the Cowboys aren't as good as the Broncos. Even if the Cowboys are kinda close to the top of the NFC East (which isn't hard, as all 4 teams are awful), they're still not good enough to win here. I don't care what anybody says.
Overall: Broncos steamroll Cowboys.

8:30 Game:

Texans vs. 49ers:
Who should win: Niners. Because they deserve a win here. Even if this is a tough squad, they really need to reestablish their name, their winning nature, because the first 4 games did a lot to tarnish that. Kaepernick is down a little this year, and the offense isn't as hot as it was, but they need to really pull through here, despite how good the Texans are.
Who will win: Well, the Texans. Because as of right now, they are the better team. They're just difficult. There isn't too much character, or backstory, or funny stuff: they just win games. Actually, I lied, listening to JJ Watt wired is quite the experience. I highly recommend it. Almost as good as Jim Harbaugh. Still, the Texans are the tougher team, and they'll probably win it.
Overall: Texans over Niners in a squeaker.

BIZARRE 11:30 GAME

Raiders vs. Chargers:
Who should win: Raiders, because the Chargers look simple enough.
Who will win: Chargers, because the Raiders are simple enough.
Overall: Chargers over Raiders, though it could be either one.

MONDAY NIGHT:

Jets vs. Falcons:
Who should win: Falcons. Okay, this isn't even funny. The Jets are supposed to be awful this season, and yet they keep winning games. They seriously need to stop that. They're gonna make a lot of people look bad. The Falcons are actually doing pretty nice, however, and since I like them better, they're probably gonna win.
Who will win: Falcons, because they're easily the tougher roster. The Jets have a lot of holes, a lot of rookies, a lot of people that shouldn't be on a roster. The Falcons have a trusted team, with a great offense and defense, and solid QB. They should win it.
Overall: Falcons over Jets. Please.

So, those are my predictions. Let's see how right/wrong I am.

As the playoff dust settles...

Last night the Dodgers came out swinging, easily battering down the Braves to win game one. No offense to any Braves fans, but it would be so good for baseball if the Dodgers got back to the NLCS.

Meanwhile, AAAAAUUUUUUUGGHHHH!

In other words, while I expected the Cardinals to put up a valiant effort, I didn't expect them to slam the Pirates against the wall repeatedly. Like, Beltran and Molina were going crazy last night. So please. Loosen up. The Pirates would like to win this one, guys.

Tonight, the AL comes to play. My bet's on the Red Sox and Tigers to take both games, though I approve of neither.

Wild Card, Round 2

The Rays are winning as I write this post. As much as I respect Tampa, I really would like the Indians to snap back into it. There's still time.

I mean, do something! Get Giambi to do his Raul Ibanez impression again, or something. I don't care. I'd really like to see the Indians sneak into the playoffs. It would be awesome. But, that's just me.

The playoffs are on...kinda...

I'm a little late to the party, I know, but the wild card round is officially upon us, featuring the team that has defined this year in baseball...and also the Reds.

 

Still, look at Liriano go. Man, he had a hell of a season for Pittsburgh, completely making us forget of the awful time he had in Chicago.

Meanwhile, the Reds...could win it...I guess. It would be a bit anticlimactic if they did, being that the whole season is on the Pirates' shoulders, but anything can happen. After all, it is baseball.