Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium

"Hi there, I'm Jose Rijo! You may know me as a World Series Champion, and a Cincinnati Reds legend, as well as a fireballer on the mound. 

But what you may not know about me is that I LOVE sunglasses. They're the coolest. The way I see it, you become a completely different person where you're wearing the right kind of eyewear. It changes the way you see the world.

...so to speak. HEE HEE HEE HEE...

Let me show you some of the different types of eyewear we've got on display here at Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium...

FUNKY WIPE TO:

 GREETINGS, MISTER BOND!

No, don't worry, it's only me. Jose Rijo. But with these glasses, I FEEL like an old-school super villain. I could blow up a building, and these glasses would just...allow me. How weird is that?

Plus, these are kinda purple on the lenses, yet they're still good to wear as sunglasses, because..I mean, what CAN'T they do? Am I right...

hehehehhhhh...okay, next pair-

FUNKIER WIPE TO:

 HAPPY MARDI GRAS, Y'ALL.

...Look at the wings on this thing. Look at the shine, man. That is some premium cool on here, and this can be yours, for...um...okay, I honestly forget the price, but it's definitely cheaper than 20 dollars. I think.

And again, these are great for sunny days, winter days, bar mitzvahs, and just looking cool whenever you want. We've got dozens and dozens of styles of sunglasses, monocles, and general eyewear, that can fit the whole family.

AND DON'T JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT! Listen to these MLB players talk about what Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium has done for them!

CUT TO:

"Yeah. Uh. Jose made a real good deal with me on these sunglasses. Real good deal. I may have given him something else in return, but uh...look, these glasses are great. Look at the, uh, look at the cut on this lens. Look at the way that thing curves. That is cool, right?"

CUT TO:

"Jose? Yeah, he's one cool dude, right? He gave me these for helping him out with, uh...jeez, I forget. But he gave 'em to me for practically nothing. But I could have paid, like, 30 bucks for it. You ever seen shades this yellow? Looking through these...it's like you're seeing the future.

Swear to God, some kid from Chicago goes and steals these shades from me? He's a dead man."

CUT TO:

"Yeah, funny story. I was the one who got Jose into the eyewear business. Me and Quisenberry had a shades business going in KC for a while. He came through in a series with Oakland, wanted to see what we had. And we showed him. And his eyes LIT UP, man. I haven't seen his eyes since, cause he's always got 'em covered with good, good sunglasses. Couple years later, Mets do a series in Cincy, he takes me to his dugout, says "I wanna show you something". And he gives me this pair. Reflectors. Aviators. Scary good price, too. Jose has my respect, man."

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

So come on down to Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium, located in beautiful Cincinnati, Ohio...in the plaza with, uh...the Skyline Chili...and the Little Caesars. Yeah. That one.

Come on down, get some shades, have a good time, or my name isn't...Jose Rijo."

VO: JOSE RIJO'S EYEWEAR EMPORIUM. LOCATED RIGHT NEXT TO JOSE RIJO'S SUPERSOAKER WAREHOUSE]

And Now, A Word from Jerald Clark and His Bats

"Hi. I'm Jerald Clark.

These are my bats.

I like that black one over there. On the left. It's smooth. Real smooth. One time, I line-drived a man's shin clean open. He needed surgery and everything. I like that one, but...I don't use it often. You know, you wanna keep the knee-splitting one to a special occasion.

This plain one's pretty nice too. Custom wood. Got it from a tree in Denver, 20 minutes from the stadium. Y'see, when you're getting wood to make bats from trees, best to do it in the middle of the night, so they don't see you.

You don't want them to see you.

This is the one I use most often, when they start me. I go ahead and I whack at that thing, man. I try and make like that tree and fall on that pitcher's house.

I mean...uh, yeah.

This bat-holder, that was made custom for me. I got it made especially by, uh...this guy, that...he used to work at an IKEA. And he...you know, he studied how they made those little, um...bat holders. At IKEA. And he studied those, and he made one himself.

...I mean, it kinda LOOKS like this guy stole a bat-holder from IKEA, but no, that...that didn't happen. No.

This one to the far right...that thing is SWEET, man. You what I'm gonna do next year? I'm gonna go to Japan, right? Take only this bat. And just annihilate all the Japanese pitching. With this here bat. This thing is on another level, man. Tougher than American pitchers, tougher than Japanese...tougher than...Scandinavian? I don't know, man, it's a tough-ass bat.

Just you wait. This bat's gonna set Japan on fire.

...And this rack, too. I'm gonna take this bat rack with me. To, uh, to Japan. I'm gonna put it in my suitcase. They're cool with that. Honest. They're real cool with that. That's one of their exports, Japan. Custom made bat racks. That's their industry.

Sometimes I like to look at 'em all. My bats. I like to look at 'em, and I think...'these are MINE. I OWN these. I hit...so many hits with this thing. I DID that.'

Sometimes you just have to own stuff like that. I did all this. And if this is all I end up doing, then...then that's enough.

Isn't it?"

A PSA Against Driving An ATV Instead of Running Bases, by Greg Olson

Oh, hi kids. I'm Greg Olson.

Now, way back in the day I used to be backup catcher for the Atlanta Braves. Great job, best years of my life, wouldn't have traded it for the world. However, one day I got too cocky, kids. I took a risk, and wound up making a fool of myself. And I'm here, wounds mended, to tell you about it.

You see, back in the 90's I was a quadder. Loved my ATV. Drove it in the winter, in the summer, at spring training. Anywhere I could, really. Aside from being a catcher, I loved ATVing. It was as much of a passion for me as catching fastballs from Greg Maddux.

So one day, I'm driving my ATV around the field before warmups, and I get an idea. You see, I was never the best base-runner. I was slower than a tortoise on quaaludes, kids. And that's why I didn't get the starting gig, because Javy Lopez could run a little faster than me, you know, pre-steroids.

So I thought 'what if I show Javy, and just take my ATV and instead of running the bases, I drive across in record time. Nobody'll say anything. Hell, nobody'll even notice. It'll go fine.

However, kids, ol' Uncle Greg made a very massive oversights in that plan. For instance, he forgot how easy it is for an umpire to notice a medium-sized ATV rolling toward second base.

But what really did me in...Chipper was up, and I was on first. I had the ATV ready to go and everything. I was just waiting for the hit. Sure enough, Chip hits it right toward Mickey Morandini at second. And I'm running toward Mickey. He's headed for the base, and so am I. So I hit the gas hard.

I hit him head on, kids. Mickey Morandini damn near concussed thanks to my ATVing.

They had to cart him off the field and bring in some backup. Meanwhile, Bobby Cox comes over to me and goes 'what in the Sam Hill d'you think you're doing? Driving an ATV on a damned baseball team. You should be ashamed of yourself, Greg. Ya really should.'

I'm just paraphrasing there, I think.

Long story short, Bobby threw me out of the game, and the umps put in a ban that ended up shortening my MLB career a bit. I was disgraced, and ashamed.

And that's why I'm talking to you kids. Also, because they took away my ATV, and I need the money so I can get another one. But mostly the first thing. Yeah...talking to kids. Teachin' em not to ride ATVs on the bases, because you might seriously injure a decent second baseman.

Remember, kids. Stay in school, study hard...and keep your ATVs of the ball field.

Now, scooters on the other hand...yeah, do whatever you want...

Nostalgic Box Break: 1994 Collector's Choice Series One (Part Three)

Piazza. Puckett. Griffey. Bonds. Three people who won't be looking at the fourth joining them in Cooperstown anytime soon. But mostly, four of the poster-boys on packs of 1994 Collector's Choice, the inaugural, successful, fan-loved release of the behemoth product.

Today we tackle the last third of the box. I'd have posted sooner, but I was mourning one of my heroes. That, or I forgot to post for a few days. But mostly mourning Bowie.

 Pack 25- Much less variety in the photography here. A lot more stuff akin to current Topps, though there are some bright spots.

 Two momentary giants of baseball. Jack McDowell was coming off a Cy Young season, and David Justice was coming off another 30+ home run season.

 Pack 26- This is more like it. This is Collector's Choice in its prime. Not too many 'typical' shots in here.

 This is probably the most atypical of the bunch. Jose Rijo wearing ridiculous sunglasses. Man, you have to appreciate how out-there the 90's were.

 Meanwhile, Kevin Stocker is going for a steal, as one of the many 1993 Phillies in this set.

 I love this card because there aren't too many cards documenting Lee Smith as a Yankee, and this is a pretty damn nice one.

 GREAT double play shot. Just the absolute right moment to shoot the picture. Plus, Phillips looks pretty damn focused.

 A very cool on base shot for Carl Everett's rookie, and an even cooler Randy Johnson shot for his Performers subset.

 And of course, an ultra-awesome shot of Tony Gwynn signing a jersey. You have to respect the man.

 Pack 27- More horizontal domination.

 Gutierrez' is a shot that's a ton cooler when it's a horizontal like that. Put that in a vertical and it loses most of its luster.

 Also, he's perennial cool 90's shot guy Rick Wilkins fielding a ball.

 I love this card, because it's a complete contrast to Phillips' card as how not to enter a double plat. Man, dare I even call it a reverse-Utley.

 Ah yes, a throwback to 1993, when Albert Belle was leading EVERYTHING.

 Pack 28- Dupes abound, but some serious standouts here.

 Sooner or later both these guys would be holding down a hollow rotation. Gordon would take over as the head of the Boston rotation after Clemens' departure, while Sele would try to keep Seattle's afloat after Randy Johnson's trade.

 Oh my gosh. This may be one of my favorites in the entire set. He looks like he's sneaking around, waiting to throw the entire contents of the barrel on somebody's head. It's fantastic.

 Pack 29- The dupes are beginning to take over here, but there are still some cool cards left.

 Luis Gonzalez has the better shot here, but I love Doug Strange's because the managed to get the traveling ball in the shot. Only Collector's Choice would do that.

 I had to get a shot of O'Neill, because he was one of the greats back in those great Yankee seasons.

 Pack 30- A bit blurry here, but still worthy of mentioning.

 Fairly simple shot here, but handled really well.

 Another amazing shot. It's one thing to just zoom in on him jumping, but CC gets THE ENTIRE SHOT. INCLUDING THE GROUND. You HAVE to admire that crap.

 Two leaders cards here. Lofton as SB leader...yeah, that I could have called. But John Burkett AND Jack McDowell tying Tom Glavine in the wins category? That I did not see coming.

 Pack 31- So much drama in this pack.

 McLemore's is great because he's just so passionate about that run. Gilkey's is as the dust is beginning to settle, and it captures the impact on Gilkey. Very dramatic.

 As a plus, here's a cool shot of HOFer Greg Maddux stretching out, or catching a high ball, on the mound.

 Uh, Kenny...you can move now...

 Pack 32- Nothing worthy of shooting here. Mostly doubles.

 Pack 33- Now we're talking.

 Not a ton to talk about in this pack, but Sandy Alomar's back shot kind of says it all. I don't think Tony Pena (or whoever that is) especially wants to be in that photo.

 Pack 34- The writing's on the wall in the box, but there are one or two decent cards left.

 For instance, here's Billy Wagner's rookie card, fresh off his okay numbers on the HOF ballot.

 Also, here's Minnesota DH Dave Winfield sliding into third.

 Jose Lind is our gold parallel on the box, which is kinda cool.

 Pack 35- Penultimate pack. Still lots to talk about.

 I assume Greg Harris was the guy Jack Armstrong dumped all those balls on a few packs ago. I doubt he's happy about it, either. Meanwhile, Jeff Conine's rounding the bases in Miami.

 Nolan Ryan's last hurrah as an active player. Can't help but respect it.

 A very focused, very cool-looking Moises Alou.

 Here's a very fun warm-up card of future Expo and Hall of Famer Pedro Martinez. Gotta love it.

 Pack 36- The end.

 A rare shot of David Segui playing defense.

And to end it, here's a very cool batter's box card of Andy Van Slyke, a year away from his retirement.

Well, that's the box. Ton of fun to rip, with a ton of awesome photography swimming around. I might get another box posted sometime soon, as January's been very blank recently.