Keep On Smilin', Garrett

This is Garrett Atkins, perennial infield standout for the Rockies teams of the 2000s. And he sure is happy.

Now, I'm not gonna speak for him in terms of general mood. He wasn't breaking out into giggles or cartwheeling or anything. But on all of his Topps cards in the 2000s, he just seemed...very smiley.

We have his debut turn, in 2005...

And his sophomore card in 2006. Even if you zoom in, you can still see those pearly-whites.

And in 2007, on an Opening Day issue that seemed to dwarf the whiteness of Atkins' own teeth. Let's see, via a super-zoom, whether he is in fact still smiling:

YOU CAN SEE IT! THERE IS DEFINITELY TEETH THERE!

And you'll even note here, this isn't an especially happy pose or posture for Atkins. It might even be straining. But there he is...STILL SMILING.

2008 Topps. No question here. He's overjoyed.

2009 Topps, his last Topps issue. Even if he can see the end in sight, he's still using the correct amount of toothpaste for the job. And that is hella admirable.

Now...a postscript to this is that Atkins played his last MLB season in 2010, with the Orioles, and it was a whimper from a guy who used to be steady and fun. But that's not important.

The real question is...did Garrett Atkins smile as a member of the Baltimore Orioles?

...YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT HE DID.

Garrett Atkins: Even in the dregs of despair and hopelessness, he just keeps on smiling. Let that be a lesson to you all.

Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium

"Hi there, I'm Jose Rijo! You may know me as a World Series Champion, and a Cincinnati Reds legend, as well as a fireballer on the mound. 

But what you may not know about me is that I LOVE sunglasses. They're the coolest. The way I see it, you become a completely different person where you're wearing the right kind of eyewear. It changes the way you see the world.

...so to speak. HEE HEE HEE HEE...

Let me show you some of the different types of eyewear we've got on display here at Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium...

FUNKY WIPE TO:

 GREETINGS, MISTER BOND!

No, don't worry, it's only me. Jose Rijo. But with these glasses, I FEEL like an old-school super villain. I could blow up a building, and these glasses would just...allow me. How weird is that?

Plus, these are kinda purple on the lenses, yet they're still good to wear as sunglasses, because..I mean, what CAN'T they do? Am I right...

hehehehhhhh...okay, next pair-

FUNKIER WIPE TO:

 HAPPY MARDI GRAS, Y'ALL.

...Look at the wings on this thing. Look at the shine, man. That is some premium cool on here, and this can be yours, for...um...okay, I honestly forget the price, but it's definitely cheaper than 20 dollars. I think.

And again, these are great for sunny days, winter days, bar mitzvahs, and just looking cool whenever you want. We've got dozens and dozens of styles of sunglasses, monocles, and general eyewear, that can fit the whole family.

AND DON'T JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT! Listen to these MLB players talk about what Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium has done for them!

CUT TO:

"Yeah. Uh. Jose made a real good deal with me on these sunglasses. Real good deal. I may have given him something else in return, but uh...look, these glasses are great. Look at the, uh, look at the cut on this lens. Look at the way that thing curves. That is cool, right?"

CUT TO:

"Jose? Yeah, he's one cool dude, right? He gave me these for helping him out with, uh...jeez, I forget. But he gave 'em to me for practically nothing. But I could have paid, like, 30 bucks for it. You ever seen shades this yellow? Looking through these...it's like you're seeing the future.

Swear to God, some kid from Chicago goes and steals these shades from me? He's a dead man."

CUT TO:

"Yeah, funny story. I was the one who got Jose into the eyewear business. Me and Quisenberry had a shades business going in KC for a while. He came through in a series with Oakland, wanted to see what we had. And we showed him. And his eyes LIT UP, man. I haven't seen his eyes since, cause he's always got 'em covered with good, good sunglasses. Couple years later, Mets do a series in Cincy, he takes me to his dugout, says "I wanna show you something". And he gives me this pair. Reflectors. Aviators. Scary good price, too. Jose has my respect, man."

DISSOLVE BACK TO:

So come on down to Jose Rijo's Eyewear Emporium, located in beautiful Cincinnati, Ohio...in the plaza with, uh...the Skyline Chili...and the Little Caesars. Yeah. That one.

Come on down, get some shades, have a good time, or my name isn't...Jose Rijo."

VO: JOSE RIJO'S EYEWEAR EMPORIUM. LOCATED RIGHT NEXT TO JOSE RIJO'S SUPERSOAKER WAREHOUSE]

And Now, A Word from Jerald Clark and His Bats

"Hi. I'm Jerald Clark.

These are my bats.

I like that black one over there. On the left. It's smooth. Real smooth. One time, I line-drived a man's shin clean open. He needed surgery and everything. I like that one, but...I don't use it often. You know, you wanna keep the knee-splitting one to a special occasion.

This plain one's pretty nice too. Custom wood. Got it from a tree in Denver, 20 minutes from the stadium. Y'see, when you're getting wood to make bats from trees, best to do it in the middle of the night, so they don't see you.

You don't want them to see you.

This is the one I use most often, when they start me. I go ahead and I whack at that thing, man. I try and make like that tree and fall on that pitcher's house.

I mean...uh, yeah.

This bat-holder, that was made custom for me. I got it made especially by, uh...this guy, that...he used to work at an IKEA. And he...you know, he studied how they made those little, um...bat holders. At IKEA. And he studied those, and he made one himself.

...I mean, it kinda LOOKS like this guy stole a bat-holder from IKEA, but no, that...that didn't happen. No.

This one to the far right...that thing is SWEET, man. You what I'm gonna do next year? I'm gonna go to Japan, right? Take only this bat. And just annihilate all the Japanese pitching. With this here bat. This thing is on another level, man. Tougher than American pitchers, tougher than Japanese...tougher than...Scandinavian? I don't know, man, it's a tough-ass bat.

Just you wait. This bat's gonna set Japan on fire.

...And this rack, too. I'm gonna take this bat rack with me. To, uh, to Japan. I'm gonna put it in my suitcase. They're cool with that. Honest. They're real cool with that. That's one of their exports, Japan. Custom made bat racks. That's their industry.

Sometimes I like to look at 'em all. My bats. I like to look at 'em, and I think...'these are MINE. I OWN these. I hit...so many hits with this thing. I DID that.'

Sometimes you just have to own stuff like that. I did all this. And if this is all I end up doing, then...then that's enough.

Isn't it?"

And Now, A Brief Interview with a Very Drunk Curt Leskanic

"I'M HERE WITH CURT LESKANIC WHO JUST HAD A HELL OF A GAME HERE IN COLORADO. CURT, HOW DOES IT FEEL?"
"...HAH?"
"HOW DOES IT FEEL, CURT?"
"...how'd's what feel?"
"You just saved your tenth game of the season! How does it feel?"
"...what?"
"SAVING GAMES, CURT!"
"AAAHHH Okay!"
"....HOW DOES IT FEEL?"
"Well, I...wait..."
"..What?"
"...my arm..."
"Curt, you just saved-"
"WHERE'S MY ARM?"
"I don't know, you just had it-"
"YEAH, I'AD IT A SECOND AGO! NOW WHERE'D IT GO??"
"....Curt, what d'you think the Rockies have to-"
"YOU DON'T GET IT! I NEED THAT ARM! THAT'S THE ONE I THROW WITH!"
"I'm well aware, Curt."
"..'s this a JOKE TO YOU? WHAT IS THIS?"
"What do you see the Rockies doing in the-"
"WHAT IS THIS?"
"...Curt?"
"............OH HERE IT IS!"
"Uhhh...back to you."

This Week on HGTV: Tractor Talk with Jay Buhner

[Mildly-cool public domain guitar riff]

"Hi, I'm Jay Buhner. And this is my tractor.

I've been plowing fields, diggin' stuff up, and scrapin' dirt for the last 18 years. And I wanna share my tractor tales with you, the HGTV viewing public, or the college kids who are home at your mom's, and don't have the decency to tell her to put something else on. Also, I used to play for the Mariners.

Watch me MEASURE DIRT!

Watch me PLANT GRASS!

Watch me ARGUE WITH SHOP OWNERS ABOUT SEEDS!

Watch me CRADLE MY SON'S HEAD AFTER HE'S DONE SOMETHING I AM PROUD OF.

IT'S OKAY SON

FATHER IS PROUD OF YOU

So be sure to watch Tractor Talk, with ME, Jay Buhner! Sundays at 3 AM on HGTV

...Wait, WHERE ARE YOU ALL GOING?

VIEWERS??

SON???"

And Now, Tony Eusebio for Water

Hi...I'm Tony Eusebio. And I play catcher for the Rockies. But when I'm not doing that...which, incidentally, won't be a ton this year, I take the time by kicking back and drinking water.

Water: It's Good for You.

Wait...wait hang on. So...the Rockies already have a catcher? Okay. So I'll just play backup. And when I'm not playing backup, I'll be enjoying the refreshing taste of water.

Water: It's Refreshing

Okay...I did not know about this. They already have a backup in Colorado? So...so they're starting Gary Bennett, and they just have Bobby Estalella as a backup? So...so I'm basically the backup for the backup?

Okay, I guess...I guess that's fine. Well, either way, I can still rest assured that the thirst-quenching taste of water will always be there for me.

Water: It's Clear.

Wait...okay...hold the goddamned phones here. So, they have Gary Bennett...then Bobby Estalella...and also, they're trading for Sandy Alomar Jr. halfway through the season?

So...so they're not gonna use me?

...

DO THEY KNOW WHO I AM?

I'm Tony Eusebio, for shit's sake! I am Houston Texas! I have caught FIRE. ACTUAL FIRE. And your idea of REWARDING ME...is by hiding me behind people like Bobby Estalella? And Gary Bennett? Who the HELL is Gary Bennett? I mean, if you're gonna keep me on the team, at l-

...You're shitting me.

You can't seriously be thinking of not inviting me to the roster. THINK ABOUT THIS. EUSEBIO NEEDS TO BE THERE. This would solve SO MANY PROBLEMS. I...I'm shocked. Appalled, even. I don't even know what to say.

Look...the Water people want an ad. They've been filming this ad all day, and I wanna at least give me something. So can I at least get something out of it? A back-page of a magazine? Anything?

...Wonderful. I'll...I'll take an Upper Deck card, that'll be great. Really, that's...that's wonderful.

Water: It quenches thirsts.



(Sidenote- Would you believe that this is a zero-year UD card? I mean, one nobody thought existed, because...Tony Eusebio gets no respect. NONE.)

And Now A Message from Mark Sweeney

Hi, Everybody!

I'm Mark Sweeney, and I used to be an MLB player. Now, playing baseball is pretty tough, as it's a stress-filled environment, and there's a lot of pressure to be great. At the same time, there's a ton of pressure to perform just as well...off the ballfield.

That's right...I'm talking about the bedroom.

Let's take a look at me in 1998. Here, I was at the top of my game, playing with the San Diego Padres, and helping them make a run at the World Series. You'll also notice how...happy I was in this photo. And I'm not just talking about the smile on my face.

Ever since joining the Padres, I've been a proud user of Viagra. It's the number one way to keep people satisfied on and off the ball field. However...while I don't regret a single part of my usage of the miracle pill...I'll say that it didn't exactly help my career as a ballplayer.

In 2007, the same year as the Mitchell Report, analyzing a number of players who had taken performance-enhancing drugs, there was a much less publicized report about players that had taken Viagra, or any drugs that enhanced performances in the bedroom. What I found out was that this was frowned upon by many of the owners and executives, all across the MLB.

So, I, as well as several successful Major League players like Brett Tomko, Steve Trachsel, Miguel Cairo, Kip Wells and Kevin Orie (plus Manny Ramirez although we don't like to talk about that), was nearly blacklisted from the game, only because I wanted to be happy...in that area. Note that this report came out on the same day as the Mitchell Report, and was buried underneath articles about Joe Mauer's deodorant preference, and John Kruk coughing up a hairball during a live broadcast.

As a result, I never held a steady job in the MLB again. Sure, I got a great deal of playing time in 2005, again as a member of the Padres...but the Padres really didn't have many other options back then. I retired quietly, as a member of the 2008 Dodgers...while fellow viagra user Manny Ramirez got all the playing time.

So...I come here, my head in my hands, to say that while performance enhancing drugs...of that ilk...ruined my baseball career...I've been insanely successful as a husband, and as a lover. And nowadays, I look a lot like I did in that 1998 photo...happy, healthy, and proud.

Do I wish I'd have left baseball another way? Uhhh....I'll get back to you on that one. But the bottom line is I'm happy now, and still use Viagra to this day.



(I'd like to point out to Mr. Sweeney's lawyers that this was a joke, and that he sort of asked for it by posing like that on a baseball card.)

Dueling Photographers

Try...not to move, Trev. This could be the shot of your lifetime. This could get you the cover of LIFE magazine, up on somebody's wall and all that. Just focus...be still...let it all out there.

That's it. 

That's a beaut.

Just zoom in a bit...

HeeelllllO-HELLO. What do we happen to have here?

Aw, that is amazing. Truly worthy of some space on the ol' memory card. Might as well zero in, make sure nobody else is...

Aw, shit.

That doggoned Trev Hoffman's on the other side, in't he? That short-sighted hack thinks he's all apples and pears, doesn't he? 

I'll show him. I'LL SHOW 'EM ALL! 

I ain't some fourth-rate starter for a team nobody likes. I'm Willie Adams, and I'm the best photographer in the damned world. And they're gonna know my name. They're gonna know it by heart. 

...dammit, Trev, you've got yourself some competition. 

Ah, it's just Willie Adams, you've got nothing to worry about. He's not even cool enough to have a black lens like me...just some white lens he probably got for 5 bucks at B&H. That's really, cute, that's...

wait, shit, that's a stronger lens than the one I've got. It's magnified by...gosh, I dunno how many more. I'm gonna have to make this shot count if I want to keep this closing gig. 

Hot damn, we've got ten minutes until warm-ups and he hasn't moved. If I don't work quickly, then I'm gonna let this shot go to waste, and I...can't...let that happen. I'mma have to move fast here. And hope that Trev doesn't move in 'fore I do.

Hey...hey, isn't anybody back there happy for me? Y'all are Oakland A's, just like me. At least be supportive.

....

Fine. Just you wait. 

Just a few...inches more...there. That's it. That's the shot. That's what I've been looking for. 

Good gracious, Trevor. You've done it. That's the photo of a lifetime. I bet Willie Adams is shaking in his trunks over there. That is beautiful.

...why do I get the feeling I'm being watched?

Things That A.J. Hinch Might Have Forgotten

Here in Oakland, 1998, A.J. Hinch has forgotten something so important that he's slapped himself upside the head. Now, eighteen years later, and thanks to this issue from 1999 Fleer Ultra, we must ask aloud...what exactly did he forget?

• His catcher's mask
• His cleats
• It's actually an away game, and he's showed up at home...on the day of a Raider game.
• He's actually forgotten his pants and underwear, but luckily the name logo of the card is covering his privates.
• His Chumbawumba CD (1998, remember?)
• He was supposed to give Jason Giambi a lower back massage at 4
• He forgot to wipe the superglue off of his helmet
• He's actually wearing a Jets jersey instead of an A's one.
• He's forgotten to pinch Jake Marisnick in Game 5 of the 2015 ALDS
• To call his mom before the game.
• Whatever Mark Loretta was pointing at.
• To raid Miguel Tejada's sock drawer
• That he's on a last place A's team
• Fritos

Any suggestions as to what A.J. might have been forgetting? Hopefully they're slightly funnier than mine.

A PSA Against Driving An ATV Instead of Running Bases, by Greg Olson

Oh, hi kids. I'm Greg Olson.

Now, way back in the day I used to be backup catcher for the Atlanta Braves. Great job, best years of my life, wouldn't have traded it for the world. However, one day I got too cocky, kids. I took a risk, and wound up making a fool of myself. And I'm here, wounds mended, to tell you about it.

You see, back in the 90's I was a quadder. Loved my ATV. Drove it in the winter, in the summer, at spring training. Anywhere I could, really. Aside from being a catcher, I loved ATVing. It was as much of a passion for me as catching fastballs from Greg Maddux.

So one day, I'm driving my ATV around the field before warmups, and I get an idea. You see, I was never the best base-runner. I was slower than a tortoise on quaaludes, kids. And that's why I didn't get the starting gig, because Javy Lopez could run a little faster than me, you know, pre-steroids.

So I thought 'what if I show Javy, and just take my ATV and instead of running the bases, I drive across in record time. Nobody'll say anything. Hell, nobody'll even notice. It'll go fine.

However, kids, ol' Uncle Greg made a very massive oversights in that plan. For instance, he forgot how easy it is for an umpire to notice a medium-sized ATV rolling toward second base.

But what really did me in...Chipper was up, and I was on first. I had the ATV ready to go and everything. I was just waiting for the hit. Sure enough, Chip hits it right toward Mickey Morandini at second. And I'm running toward Mickey. He's headed for the base, and so am I. So I hit the gas hard.

I hit him head on, kids. Mickey Morandini damn near concussed thanks to my ATVing.

They had to cart him off the field and bring in some backup. Meanwhile, Bobby Cox comes over to me and goes 'what in the Sam Hill d'you think you're doing? Driving an ATV on a damned baseball team. You should be ashamed of yourself, Greg. Ya really should.'

I'm just paraphrasing there, I think.

Long story short, Bobby threw me out of the game, and the umps put in a ban that ended up shortening my MLB career a bit. I was disgraced, and ashamed.

And that's why I'm talking to you kids. Also, because they took away my ATV, and I need the money so I can get another one. But mostly the first thing. Yeah...talking to kids. Teachin' em not to ride ATVs on the bases, because you might seriously injure a decent second baseman.

Remember, kids. Stay in school, study hard...and keep your ATVs of the ball field.

Now, scooters on the other hand...yeah, do whatever you want...

1992 Studio: Behind the Scenes

(The Following Scenes most likely took place during the photo shoots for 1992 Donruss Studio. Below, are the transcripts of events that may have gone down in the studio with Rick Sutcliffe, Roberto Kelly, Norm Charlton, Mitch Williams and Rex Hudler. A lot of our tape has been lost, and these five are the ones that are completely undamaged. Now, the transcripts, and the cards that came from these sessions.

----SUTCLIFFE---

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good to see you, Rick. Nice to see you out of a Cubs uniform.

SUTCLIFFE (laughing it off): Glad to be here, Jim. So, do I...

PHOTOGRAPHER: Just have a seat against that screen there. We're gonna try a couple of poses here today, so I hope that's alright.

SUTCLIFFE: It's fine. [after a beat] Is this product supposed to be, like, a fancier kind of thing?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Well-

SUTCLIFFE [Blunt]: Because there are basically just glamour shots we're doing here. I wanted to make sure you knew-

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh, no, it's retail, but it's a classier design. Emphasis on posed studio shots.

SUTCLIFFE: [shrugging] Alright. So...just...natural? Just looking at the camera?

PHOTOGRAPHER: I actually wanted to try something with emotion. Like, the same fury you have on the mound, channel that into this.

SUTCLIFFE: If you wanted that, then why didn't you just get a shot of me on the mound? That's what Topps has been doing for year.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Well...let's just try it this way. Just, turned to your right, completely. I'll count to three, and on TWO, you turn your head towards the camera. 

SUTCLIFFE [Not getting it, but without any choice]: Alright, fine. 

[Brief silence as Sutcliffe gets into position]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Again, embodying that fury, full of rage...1...you just gave up the winning run of the World Series...TWO, three.

CLICK

SUTCLIFFE: The hell was that for?

PHOTOGRAPHER: We'll try that again-

SUTCLIFFE: You're asking for fury, so why do you want, like, a heartbreaking kind of thing?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh, you're right, my mistake. Okay, going for take 2. Again, fury, staring down the batter,...ONE, looking like you just caught me at a party with your wife...TWO, three.

CLICK

----KELLY----

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good to see you Bobby.

KELLY: Good to be here.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Just sit down there, facing me entirely.

KELLY: Okay. Anything you want me to do?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Actually, you know what? Forget the stool. Get the stool out of the shot entirely.

[Kelly, not really knowing what to do, takes the stool and puts it off to the side.]

KELLY: So...d'you just want me to stand here?

PHOTOGRAPHER: It'd be REALLY GREAT if you could crouch down, like SQUAT down, and put your right elbow on your leg there. And look up at the camera.

KELLY: Like...crouch down? Like this?

[Kelly gets into a squat position]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Just, really great. Keep that elbow down, this is a very pensive shot. I'll give you a countdown when we're ready to shoot.

KELLY: Okay, man.

[About 30 seconds go by. Kelly is still holding the squat]

KELLY: You are gonna take this shot, right?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Yeah, yeah. I just need to get my equipment set up.

KELLY: Dude...you have a camera...and a light...and nothing else. You really need that long to set up?

PHOTOGRAPHER: I had to change lenses.

KELLY: I SAW NO CHANGING.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Don't yell. Hold that expression there, that's brilliant. ONE...TWO...

KELLY [sweat dripping]: ...This ain't cool, man.

CLICK

----CHARLTON----

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good to see ya, Norm, Congrats on the Closer job.

CHARLTON: Thanks, man. Feels really good to have job security after all these years. So, what are we doing? Want me throwing a 4-seamer? Throwing down a bird?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Well, not quite. You see, it's cliche to do a shot of a closer looking scary, so we wanna see the other side of Norm Charlton. The more sensitive, more likable side of Norm Charlton.

CHARLTON [sort of confused]: ...I see...

PHOTOGRAPHER: So, if you can, take that ball, and cradle that ball like it's the most important thing in your life.

CHARLTON: ...but it's a baseball.

PHOTOGRAPHER: YES I KNOW IT'S A- [sigh] Okay, maybe I'll give this to you another way. Just, take that glove, and that ball, and cross your arms.

CHARLTON: Okay, I can do that.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Face a bit toward your left, head toward me...and give me your most intense, dominating expression.

CHARLTON: Alright, I'm in. Tell me when.

PHOTOGRAPHER: One...two...three...

CLICK

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, now- GOOFIEST EXPRESSION you can think of. Same pose. One, two, three...

CLICK

---WILLIAMS---

PHOTOGRAPHER: Good to s- what happened?

WILLIAMS: What do you mean, what happened?

PHOTOGRAPHER: You've...uh...got a bandage around your head.

WILLIAMS: You said dress casual, didn't you.

PHOTOGRAPHER [not arguing with that]:...okay. Let's go for just an intimidating shot.

WILLIAMS: I don't wanna do intimidating. I can give you intimidating any other day. Let's have some fun. Jesus, who d'you think I am, Norm Charlton?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Look, Mitch, we can definitely do a less intimidating one. I still wanna set you up though.

WILLIAMS: Okay, then go right ahead.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Just have your torso face the right side of the room, head facing me.

WILLIAMS: That's easy. Now, what I'm gonna do, is I'm gonna pose like a model.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Actually, Mitch, I was thinking-

WILLIAMS: I'm already in the POSE, JIM...

PHOTOGRAPHER: I just think it'd be a little cooler if-

WILLIAMS: TAKE A RISK, JIMBO. GIVE THE DONRUSS PEOPLE WHAT THEY'VE BEEN CLAMORING FOR, MAN.

PHOTOGRAPHER [defeated]: Fine...one, two, three...

CLICK

----HUDLER, IN PROGRESS---

PHOTOGRAPHER: Rex, we've been here for an hour. I've been very clear on what I'm looking for. Just some emotion.

REX: Yeah, I've been doing that-

PHOTOGRAPHER: Yes, but the Donruss people's idea of emotion isn't just vacantly staring at the camera, and just lifting up a glove like it's a magic lamp. Just general emotion. Like...FEAR, or RAGE...

REX: I can give that a shot.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, just sit toward me. And give me rage. Sheer rage. Like the Ump cheated you out of a safe play. One, two, three...

CLICK

PHOTOGRAPHER: Rex, I SAID-

REX: That was rage. I was angry.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Rex, you winked at me.

REX: It was an angry wink. The wink of rage, man. Don't you read Hemingway? He does a lot of that.

PHOTOGRAPHER [exhausted]: Okay, fine, Rex, you win. We're gonna do one more. Just face the camera. Look at me. Do whatever the hell you want. I don't care what face you make. Just...do some form of emotion.

REX: I can try that.

PHOTOGRAPHER: Alright, Rex. One...Two...OH JESUS WHO JUST LET ONE GO-

CLICK

Things Mark Loretta Could Be Pointing To:

The Story So Far: Mark Loretta is in the middle of a photo shoot at Spring Training, 2002. Suddenly, and without warning, Mark is distracted by something in the sky, out of the frame of the photo. He points toward this unidentified object in complete awe.

This much is absolutely certain. We here at Mint Condition have begun to formulate what exactly Mark Loretta could be pointing at. We've come up with the following possibilities:

• A jet carrying the other members of the 2002 Milwaukee Brewers, confused as to why Mark has gotten there a week early to just take pictures..
• Loretta, who'd had a stake in Topps the previous year (according to one of our interns, Chad), was pointing out to the Topps people where the logo should go for the 2002 design. His idea lost out, sadly, to puke and ribbons.
• Richie Sexson on the opposite side of the field doing the exact same pointing gesture, pissing off his respective camera crew as well.
• Where his gear should go, directed towards the imaginary Green Bay spring training bike crew that Loretta seems to think applies to baseball as well.
• The rough vicinity of Mark's lone Hall of Fame ballot voter.
• A seagull
• A blimp, broadcasting the phrase "GO BACK TO YOUR OLD UNIFORMS!"
• A rare member of the early 2000's Brewers who wasn't an over-30 home run machine.
• Cheese.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger parachuting down, covered in debris, in the middle of filming his new movie "Hard Brewed".
• The starting roster of the 2001 Milwaukee Bucks
• Eric Young trying to escape, and a serious of coaches with nets trying to stop him.
• More foil.
• The corner of the card (the intern who thought of that has since been sacked).
• Superman mocking Mark's goofy pose.
• The recently dropped Times Square New Year's Ball, which had somehow made its way out of New York and was now hurtling towards Spring Training.
• The meteor that will fall from the sky and give Mark the ability to be a borderline serious hitter for the next seven seasons.
• Bubba Franks.
• A careening Miller truck.
• Fifth place.

So far, this is all we've got. If anyone knows anything more practical, other than just 'the sky' because it can't be that simple, let the Mint Condition team know in the comments.

(P.S.- This is the first of what's likely going to be many stream-of-consciousness photo-based posts. I got the idea a few years ago doing a contest from Chris at Nachos Grande, and liked doing posts like those (sort of like What Really Pisses Off Carlos Lee and Mr. Thomas Will Now Take Your Questions), and liked them so much that I wanted to bring them back as a recurring blog feature. Let me know what you think.)