Two Guys Named Aaron and Fifty Feet of Crap

It's, uh...it's not getting any better for the Phillies.

You can truss it up, you can make them look cool...but last night, the Phillies' twitter was more interested in showing pictures of dogs than actually reporting on how badly the team was losing. It's frigging MAY and the PR staff has exhausted every possible measure.

'GUYS, WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO SHOW HOW BADLY THE REDS ARE KILLING US!'
'QUICK! SHOW A PUPPY!'
'FOR WHAT REASON?'
"...maybe CUTENESS will distract them?"

I'm serious, they're all grasping at straws. And yes, there are people, such as Aaron Altherr, Cesar Hernandez, Jeremy Hellickson and Tommy Joseph who ARE, in fact, doing well. But the other teams just have NO TROUBLE in beating the crap out of the Phillies' pitching. Remember that this team came into the 2010's with one of the most impressive rotations in baseball. Now, the fans pray for the 5th game to come so Nola or Hellickson can pitch again. Watching Phillies games has turned into Russian Roulette. Just praying that the wheel doesn't land on someone who gives up home runs.

Look, Aaron Nola's been up for 4 games, and I'm...worried. Because he's been great so far, and I'm worried that staying in the majors for long enough is going to corrupt him, and his ERA's gonna inflate to match the other four. I'm fearing for Aaron Nola's safety, because he's a great pitcher who could become truly great someday. And I feel SO BAD for him that he has to pitch for the 2017 Phillies.

I'm gonna be at some barbecues with a bunch of Phillies fans this weekend, and i'm gonna have to put on my 'optimistic stupid sports fan'. People are gonna say 'oh, things are gonna turn around', and I'll smile and nod. Uh, sure, boss. Whatever you want. Pass me another frank, would'ja?

Coming Tonight: Speaking of inflated ERAs, another strong pitcher for a team that's found itself in a similar rut to their 2016 squad.