The Favre Letters

In an interview with NFL Network, former Packers/Jets/Vikings QB Brett Favre, whose record of touchdown passes may be broken today by Peyton Manning, revealed that last season, he was still getting calls from NFL teams that wanted him to play QB for them. Favre, at 44, turned down these offers. However, one might imagine what some of these requests might have looked like had they been in letter form...

Dear Brett,

It's been a few years, but I might as well check in on you. How has retirement been going for you? Still bathing in money?

Nevertheless, I wanted to see about an offer you made back when you were with the team. It was after we'd made it to the NFC Championship against New Orleans, back in 2010. You were on your second or third bottle of champagne, and you were celebrating hard. I'll never forget what you said to me, slumped over one of our middle linebackers. You said, 'Dammit, Rick, I wanna play quarterback 'til I die'.

Well, I wanted to see if that offers still stands. See, we're about to start our first season without Percy Harvin, or anybody with any discernible talent, with the exception of Adrian Peterson. Our two quarterback choices include a rookie who's not reliable, and Matt Cassel.

I want you to be my third option, Brett. Everybody knows you've still got it. Now's your chance to prove it.

Let me know what you think,

Rick Spielman
GM, Minnesota Vikings

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Dear Brett,

Mike McCarthy gave me your address. Nice guy, too. Seemed to be intent on bragging about how much my team sucked, and asking if Charles Woodson still had it in him.

Anyway, I know you said you wouldn't come back, and I appreciate that- for someone to be in the league as long as you takes a lot of stamina, will-power, and guts. Unfortunately, ever since Carson Palmer left, we don't have a whole lot of passers who have that. Just nervousness, inexperience, and hatred for me.

I doubt Terrelle Pryor's the answer, and I don't think McGloin can be much better. But I bet you can come off the bench and throw like you did in '95, today. And I want to be the guy that signs you.

The only downside is that, being that it's Oakland, there is a very strong chance that you might end up sucking. But I doubt it'll be anything to worry about.

Think it over, and get back to me.

Reggie McKenzie
GM, Oakland Raiders

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Dear Brett,

How the f--k are ya?

It's been too f--kin' long. Seriously. Whenever we hit hard times out here, I always think of you, sitting' in your f--kin' Barca Lounger, thinking 'what's that f--ker up to these days?'

Anyway, my f--kin' GM wanted to send this letter, but I figured, if you wanna do something right, f--kin' do it yourself. So I'd like to personally ask if you'd like to be my Quarterback again this season.

Again, it worked so f--kin' well the last time. We almost made the f--kin' Super Bowl, too. It would have been so much fun, doing all that sh-- with you on my team. Think of the sh-- we can do with you back with us. Besides, I'm f--kin' done with Sanchez. He's a pain in the ass. I might think about dumping him in the f--kin' Delaware River or something. And Geno's not much better.

So, please, Brett. What do you say you come back, and we go eat a goddamn snack?

All the f--kin' best,

Rex F--kin Ryan
Head Coach, New York F--kin Jets

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Dear Brett,

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEEEEEASE PLAY FOR US!!!

Sincerely,

Michael Lombardi,
GM, Cleveland Browns

(attached to this letter was a $100 bill)

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Dear Brett,

Nope.

Sincerely,

Mike McCarthy
Head Coach, Green Bay Packers.

Mr. Thomas Will Now Take Your Questions

(This is Round Two of Nachos Grande's Blogger Bracket Contest. I have somehow made it to the Final Eight. Hopefully this post would ensure that this silly train keeps on rolling.)

On June 16th, 1997, Frank Thomas, adorned in an old-school White Sox throwback, addressed the crowd. He preceded this by saying he had a very important announcement to make, one that would shake the foundations of the team's already-awful season.

The following is a transcript of said press conference.

FRANK THOMAS: Ladies and Gentlemen, kind, distinguished members of the press...I am here to make the announcement that I feared I would never have to make, as...I love this team, and I will forever be a member of the Chicago White Sox...but as of today, June 16th, 1997, I, Frank Thomas, am announcing my retirement from major league baseball.

(The crowd of reporters are absolutely stunned, and confused)

I'll be open to take any questions.

REPORTER: Yeah, are you absolutely serious??

FRANK THOMAS: Look, I know this is a shocking announcement, but I've come to the decision that, after two decades with the team, I feel that it's time to move on.

REPORTER: Frank, you're 29 years old. Shouldn't that be a bit too soon to retire?

FRANK THOMAS: I realize it may seem like it's the wrong time, but for me, I've done everything I can for the team, and it's just time for me to do something else with my life.

REPORTER: Yeah, what exactly are you going do now that you've...retired...at 29?

FRANK THOMAS: I've been training for the past few months to become a member of the U.S. Synchronized Swimming Team.

(Now several confused reporters leave the press conference, absolutely dumbfounded)

This has been a secret passion of mine for a while, and now I have to go through with it, because now I'll have a lot more free time.

REPORTER: Does it concern you that you have no prior experience in the field of swimming?

FRANK THOMAS: It doesn't concern me. I mean, I've followed synchronized swimming for so many years, that I feel like it's about time for me to step into the game. I mean, the way I see it, it's like...it's like an inchworm. An inchworm that has spent its whole life being an inchworm, biding its time. And all its life, this inchworm has wanted to be a water buffalo.

(now more reporters leave, having no idea what the hell is going on)

And right now, I'm the inchworm, and I wanna go ahead and start being a water buffalo. And I don't care how good at being an inchworm I am. I don't care what anyone says. I'm just gonna do the water buffalo thing for a while, see how that turns out.

REPORTER: Frank, isn't this a bit misguided seeing as you'll be a 240 lb. synchronized swimmer?

FRANK THOMAS: You know, this hadn't occurred to me until last week. My shrink brought it up. He also asked me what the hell I was thinking, and being a psychiatrist, he should kinda know that already. But yeah, I know I'll be one of the largest synchronized swimmers out there, but I really don't care. Besides, once I'm out of Comiskey, I'll probably drop about 20 pounds.

REPORTER: Should this be seen as a betrayal to the South Side?

FRANK THOMAS: Certainly not. As much as I love baseball, I feel like I want to do something risky and ridiculous that I've never tried more than I want to do something people pay me to be amazing at.

(He realizes what he just said, ponders it, but then nods and stands by it).

REPORTER: Does this move have anything to do with the White Sox' awful start this year?

FRANK THOMAS: No, not necessarily. It has nothing to do with the fact that the Cubs just swamped us, or the fact that our 2nd-best hitter is Harold Baines. It's just...I feel like they can finish this without me. Terry Bevington's got it all under control.

REPORTER: And what of the news that Bevington just signed on to be the Coach for the U.S. Synchronized Swimming team?

FRANK THOMAS: (Stunned silence) Uhhh...he did that? Well, then....I take back everything I just said. Go White Sox. Don't do drugs, kids.

(Thomas darts offstage quickly).

(Suddenly, White Sox Coach Terry Bevington comes into the press conference)

TERRY BEVINGTON: Okay, seriously, guys. WHY'D YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM? That was gonna be a surprise gift! You guys are no fun!

(he sighs)

I guess I have to go coach people I've never worked in a sport I've never coached before now....and this is all your fault.

FRANK THOMAS: (from offscreen) YEAH, HOW ABOUT NO?!?

FIN

(Dear gosh, I hope people appreciate this saga of ridiculousness)