Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Bartolo Colon- Should I be Surprised?

You know...some things in life happen out of nowhere. A year ago today, I never would have guessed that the Nationals would be leading the NL, the A's would have more of a shot than the Angels to win the wild card, and the Yankees would be propelled by home runs from Ichiro.

And I love surprises like that. They keep me tuned in. But for every thing you don't see coming, there are always one or two things you blatantly do.

I think you know where I'm taking this. I'll cut right to the chase.

Bartolo Colon tested positive for PEDs, or more specifically, testosterone. This shocked exactly one person nationwide- Jim Schneerburgershern, a blind man from Elizabeth, New Jersey, who had been living without electricity in a cave for forty years.

Aside from that, everyone saw it coming. Newborn children saw it coming. Small ferrets saw it coming. The Dalai Lama saw it coming. Even Bartolo Colon saw it coming. And that says something.

The reason for this, and the reason that it was so blatantly obvious that he was taking something, anything, even a case of Four Loko (yes folks, it's still a thing), lies mostly with his age.

Bartolo Colon is roughly 40 years old. This statement is a fact.

The following statements are also facts. In 2005, Bartolo Colon wowed many by winning the Cy Young award. This was the last time he would pitch this well. In 2006 and 2007 he was on and off with injuries and an inability to pitch. For a few years, Colon slipped into irrelevancy.

Then, last year, Bartolo Colon returned with the New York Yankees. And he began pitching EXACTLY LIKE HE DID IN 2005. Let me put this in perspective. With the exception of his pitching arm, Bartolo Colon's body was incredibly over the hill. My father is still trying to fathom the fact that he is older than Colon. Colon is overweight, runs shoddily, and is in no way a brilliant looking player.

Then, there is his arm. Bartolo Colon's pitching arm throws it's attached to a different person. He throws like he's ten years younger, which is incredibly weird. I would have said after last season he'd retire, but NOOOO...He comes back this year with the A's...and, get this, PITCHES EVEN BETTER THAN WITH THE YANKEES!

Something was up. Now everyone knew it, because, this being Oakland, Colon was starting a lot of games, and people were noticing how weird it was that a forty year old overweight man was pitching like a man Justin Verlander's age. When he played for the Yankees, no one noticed, because he didn't pitch as much, and Yankee fans are prone to saying "he's good. Who cares how he pitches?"

I developed a running joke about Colon, on and off the blog, that he used some sort of Cuban Mystery Cream on his left arm, and it made the arm 10 years younger. Whenever I'd pull a card of him, or talk about him, I'd say 'Bartolo Colon and his Cuban Mystery Cream'. Because we all knew something was up. And, as it turns out, he was using testosterone to help his arm feel younger, and to get his manliness back, or something like that.

In conclusion, what happened today was bound to happen eventually. It was as obvious as the ending of The Dark Knight Rises (to me, at least). Colon deserves the 50 game suspension he got.

Maybe next time he'll think twice before he uses his Cuban Mystery Cream.

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